Alright, listen up. This is not a drill. Valentine’s Day is coming, fast.
Doomsday is almost here. A day in which a pink-and-red hellscape, plagued with chubby flying babies, strikes down all singles.
I hide in an aisle of heart shaped decorations, lovey dovey coffee mugs and heart garlands. I’m terrified. If anyone finds this survival guide lying around, here are instructions how to survive this hellish day.
Locations
As students, we spend a majority of Valentine’s Day at school. This will be true again this year since it falls on Friday.
It’s inevitable. Students will be exposed to the sight of roses, chocolates, and gift baskets filled with pink bears with comically large hearts and treats.
There’s no escape. So regretfully, one will have to soldier on through the day.
It’s imperative to turn a blind eye to the public displays of affection you might encounter. Hope that the day goes by quickly.
After school, head straight home and barricade yourself in your room with emergency candy. Make sure they’re not candy hearts though. This shouldn’t be hard.
“They taste gross,” English teacher Abraham Kim said.
He elaborated by saying candy hearts only serve as an object kids can throw at each other, creating a mess that Kim often needs to clean up.
How horrific.
So stick with Kit-Kats or Reese’s Pieces if you want something sweet. Trust me, you and your taste buds will thank me later.
Self-care
Just because it’s the love apocalypse doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself. If you dare to leave your house, go out there and raid the store aisles! Get yourself some flowers, maybe some candies.
“There’s no greater gift than your own self worth, your own self-love,” sophomore Kendall Yambao said, as she poked at some prehistoric looking mac-n-cheese during lunch in the commons.
But if spending the day solo isn’t your cup of tea, arrange a day where you and your friends can go to places like City Center.
Wreak havoc and reject the idea of Valentine’s Day being a day of romantic love.
If you’re not interested in doing either, simply take a page out of sophomore Aster Barth’s book.
“I’ll attack my friends with the little kid valentines I bought,” Barth proudly said.
Maybe not a great idea either.
Social Media Avoidance
Like any holiday, platforms such as Instagram or TikTok will be filled with Valentine’s Day content on your page. DIYs, photos of influencers or, worst of all, your friends will all be sharing photos of them and their significant others.
“Valentine’s Day on social media low-key pisses me off,” sophomore Riya Sullia said. “[It] makes me happy cause seeing people in love is cute, but I’m single so it’s really sad.”
Sullia then confirmed to having an urge to throw her phone across her room whenever she sees any lovey-dovey posts.
Whatever you do, whether it be taking a page out of Sullia’s book and throwing your devices across the room or giving yourself a well-deserved social media detox, please note that it IS still possible to enjoy your favorite reels and TikToks without all the mushy stuff.
You’ll just have to pray for the algorithm to have mercy on you.
That’s how to survive the accursed day. But there’s just one tiny, little thing – at fault for this horrid love-apocalypse – that we must deal with. And it involves a winged baby.
Blame it on Cupid
“Hey Cupid, just a reminder, the deadline is getting really close, and you still haven’t shot my crush yet,” junior Bryce Wong said.
Clearly some students are fed up with the mythical baby because it has to be his fault they’re single.
Though Wong was kind enough to send a reminder through an email, let’s face it, it’ll probably be left unread.
After all, a baby knows nothing about technology except how to lock their parents out of their devices for 35 years.
So gather supplies, armor, Nerf guns, and a bow and quiver. Then whip out that old knight costume you wore for Halloween a long time ago. Actually, that might not be the best idea.
I believe I speak for many singles when I say that it’s much easier to blame our lackluster love lives on outside forces, but maybe we should start looking inwards. Being single on Valentine’s Day might not be as bad as it seems.
That being said, if you’re reading this, I’d humbly ask you for $10. I need more chocolates and tissues.