Ah, report card season, the time of year when students everywhere transform themselves into award-winning actors, putting on Oscar-worthy performances to convince their parents that a B+ in AP Calculus is not the end of the world.
But for those of us who prefer a more…creative approach, why stop at persuasion when you can employ a little strategic deception? Here are some tips how to do that.
“Tell the truth, but not the entire truth,” junior Samuel Bean said.
Parents don’t need to know the exact details of your GPA if you keep them distracted.
“Talk. Talk about something, like the weekend you guys are planning,” sophomore William Liu said. “Anything is better than just talking about grades.”
If your grades look rough, a great strategy is to introduce fake news into their lives.
Parent: “What’s this I hear about a C in Physics?”
You: “Before we get into that, did you know I might have accidentally signed up for a reality TV show about teen influencers? Also our dog may have swallowed my AirPods.”
Crisis averted. Your grade is no longer the headline, just a footnote in the ongoing saga of your reckless decision-making.
Sophomore Niel Kandekar employs other strategies.
“Just say random words they don’t understand,” he said. “Whatever you do, don’t show them your real grades.”
Added sophomore Pratik Ganesh, “Try introducing the test at a busy event. That way they will be distracted and can’t get angry at you in public.”
With online grading portals, getting away with the old school-must-have-lost-my-report-card trick is harder. But what isn’t hard is sending your parents a well-cropped screenshot that just happens to omit that one pesky class.
“An easy way to make your parents think you have an A is, you show only tests you did very well on, ” Liu said. “Make them feel like you’re really doing something, and don’t let them get your real grade”
Sure, maybe you have a 72% in chemistry, but there’s no harm in only screen-shotting the dazzling 98% you got on a single quiz.
If deception isn’t your style, lean into the tried-and-true method of lowering expectations. When confronted with your grades, immediately bring up someone else’s worse academic performance.
Parent: “Why do you have a D in English?”
You: “At least I’m not like Brandon. He tried to submit an essay written entirely in emojis. The teacher didn’t even grade it. She just wrote ‘???’ and moved on.”
Brandon, if you’re reading this, I salute your bravery.
Here’s a pro tip: Start planting seeds early that the grading system is unreliable. Randomly bring up conspiracy theories about how grades don’t reflect intelligence, how the school secretly assigns GPAs based on astrological signs, or how your math teacher was a former KGB agent and can’t be trusted.
The goal is to make your parents question everything so by the time report cards arrive, they’re too confused to protest.
And if all else fails? Distract with accolades, real or invented.
“You can just say you’re Scholar Athlete of the Month,” Bean said. “It’s a good way to be like yeah I’m doing good, not failing any classes.”
It’s the academic version of smoke and mirrors.
Maybe your grades aren’t great, but you know what’s impressive? The fact that you got conditionally accepted to Harvard! Sure, conditionally might mean they just need you to verify your credentials (which may or may not exist), but by the time your parents start asking questions, it’ll be too late.
If questioned, you can say: “You don’t believe I got into an exclusive, experimental, top-secret Harvard program that no one’s ever heard of? Wow. Thanks for the support.” Then storm off dramatically.
Deception is an art form, and while you could just study harder and actually improve your grades, where’s the fun in that? (But, seriously, you should probably study. I take no responsibility for your grounding.)
Good luck, and remember: if you get caught, I was never here.
