Get ready folks—today we’ve got a special treat. The Universities of California schools are preparing for an all out melee where the last one standing wins! So, who will the winner be? Let’s place our bets and look at each fighter’s attributes.
UC Merced is hot since it’s located in the steamy Central Valley, so they’d have fire magic. But “born” in 2005, Merced is the youngest and most inexperienced of all the UC schools.
UC Riverside ranks second globally for insect science, so of course they’d have an arsenal of bugs to attack.
UC Santa Cruz’s new-age-retro-hippie vibe characterizes them in battle. But the home of the Banana Slugs often experiences budget cuts, meaning they can’t afford combat equipment. And as we mentioned, they’re Banana Slugs.
UC Davis is agile enough to traverse across the largest UC campus, by bicycle of course. Davis also ranks second in the world in veterinary science. So with such a humanitarian pursuit, the Aggies are pure pacifists.
UC Santa Barbara’s calls itself “…where the land meets the sea…” So, Santa Barbara is a siren. Yup, a siren. But its party school rep means they won’t be ready to brawl. They’ll more likely be hungover.
UC Irvine is 17 miles from Disneyland and could ask Mickey Mouse to help battle. Not sure how much that will help, but I guess it would be better than Goofy.
UC San Diego, the third oldest UC, is located in California’s oldest city. As such, San Diego has wisdom on its side. But this wisdom also makes them too old to clash with younger counterparts. Can’t do much damage with a cane.
UC Berkeley has the Grizzly bear as its mascot, which may secure their victory.
In terms of UCLA, Los Angeles means the angels, and the school boasts the most Greek life of any UC school. This means UCLA may have a militia of Greek gods at their disposal.
With the UC’s strengths and weaknesses established, the battle must begin.
The arena roars with excitement, the crowd cheering in merriment. A smug San Diego draws near to a stoic Davis, which firmly grasps a shield and no weapon.
Davis outruns San Diego for a while, their dark cloak flowing in the wind. But wait. Why would there be wind in an indoor colosseum? Anyhow, San Diego flexes its old man muscles and emerges victorious, relishing their victory.
It’s not long, however, before an angered Santa Cruz cuts the oldie, seeking revenge for their lost comrade. A dazed Santa Barbara serenades with a displeasing melody and San Diego perishes.
A shocked Berkeley stands still, meekly clutching their teddy bear. The young but feisty Merced sees their chance to strike and suplexes the vulnerable Berkeley.
Santa Barbara, Merced and Irvine are neck and neck as Santa Cruz stands by, ready to stab them both. But wait, what’s this!? Riverside and UCLA team up to beat up flower child Santa Cruz!
Swords clash as viewers cringe at the clinking and clanking sound of metal against metal. Yawps, hoots and hollers ring through the colosseum, and in a sudden flurry of dust, sweat, blood and tears.
Irvine and Santa Barbara team up against the formidable duo of Riverside and UCLA. But fire and water never mix, and thus, Riverside and UCLA are the last two remaining.
Riverside stands tall, an army of house-flies behind them. But a distant smell of gyros lingers in the air as UCLA just points and laughs at the sight of such puny opponents, commanding the Greek gods to attack.
UCLA’s win seems inexorable, but the unexpected happens. Riverside gets back up and becomes an enormous bumblebee. Who would have guessed?
UCLA begs for mercy, but Riverside doesn’t give in and uses a pincer attack. It’s super effective and UCLA suffers critical damage. Riverside stings UCLA. A cacophony of gasps erupt.
And then there was one victor standing.
