Victoriano’s Secret: Sexy advice

Californian advice column back after very little demand

The+omnipotent+entity+that+is+Brandon+Victoriano+basking+in+his+own+glory.

Photo by Des Jower

The omnipotent entity that is Brandon Victoriano basking in his own glory.

Brandon Victoriano, Online Moderator and Editor

Editor’s note: After a year hiatus, the News Lite advice column is back!  We apologize to our readers in advance.

Dear Brandon,

I have this friend who is obsessed with memes. What should I do? Are there support groups?

Sincerely, Triggered

Dear Poor-Taste-in-Friends,

I offer you my condolences. Memes are an ever-growing epidemic that has plagued our society for years. Hearing of yet another victim lost to this evil is truly disheartening.

An intervention is required immediately. Strip your friend of any contact to the Internet and social media. I give you permission to take your friend’s phone and burn it.

Or you can sell it. I’d sell it.

The next step is to prevent your friend from interacting with any objects or people that might trigger them. This is more challenging than it may seem. I’m sure everyone knows what I’m talking about when there’s just that one friend who is basically a living meme. Yeah, don’t let them near each other.

Keep your friend in good health. One sneeze could lead to a streak of continuous dabbing.

Your friend still isn’t clean? Then chances are this person isn’t your friend. Burn that bridge. Let your final words to your friend be “I will reMEMEber you…” Just kidding though, don’t say that. That friend might just never leave you alone.

Dear Brandon,

I haven’t slept in a week. I’m shaking. I hear colors. How do you deal with homework?

Sincerely, A stressed and depressed junior

Dear Tryhard,

School really isn’t that hard. From what you’ve told me, it sounds like you’re taking all weighted classes. What a nerd.

Why would you do this to yourself? What is the point in taking all these weighted classes when you’re only going to fail all of them? Take it easy.

High school is a time to relax and kick back. Grades aren’t really important. Your priorities should lie in extra-curricular activities and hobbies. Colleges aren’t going to look at your GPA and what you got on the SAT.

Plus, who needs a successful and bright future anyways? That’s way too mainstream. Your best bet is to spend your time worrying about how cool and popular you are. That way, in the future, you will have a better chance of marrying someone rich and famous who loves you for how you look on the outside.

Still not convinced? Still want to take these weighted classes AND be cool? Too bad, you can’t have both.

If you are taking the nerdy and lame route of staying in these classes, then you’ll want to finish your homework efficiently and in a timely manner. There are always answers to your homework somewhere online.

Busy schedule? No problem. Put the “PRO” in “procrastination” and start your homework assignments just as the teacher is collecting the homework. By then, many other students have already completed the assignment. Just copy down their work in completely illegible handwriting. You’ll be sure to get full credit.

Need sleep? Seek a tutor. Why study when you have a bunch of other smart kids in your honors classes right next to you.

Why stop there? As I might have heard on the Disney Channel, “Drop out of school! Pursue your passion of becoming an aspiring artist or famous actor. Follow your dreams!” That’s sound advice.

Send your questions to Brandon Victoriano at [email protected]