The Californian

Who would you pick for a roommate?

Conan Maron, Kiley Borba, John Symank, Mason, Staff Writers

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Name: Conan Maron

Position: Staff Writer

Person: Jake Paul

Every time I’ve tried to get a roommate in the past, they’ve been pretty bad. Every day they would just be a constant annoyance to my life. It’s not every day that I can find a good roommate. 

Suddenly, that voice telling me who would be the best roommate, hit me. Why didn’t I see it sooner? That voice, that nagging in my head was saying, “It’s every day bro. It’s every day bro. It’s every day bro. I say it’s every day bro.” 

Should Jake Paul be my roommate? The answer was within me all along. 

Have I ever wanted to be a hype beast? Have I ever wanted to be the coolest kid on the block? Have I ever strived to dab on the haters? Do I want to join the best squad in the world team 10? Do I respect women? Is England MY city? Should I live with a God? Yes, this is the answer, the perfect roommate. 

Nothing but respect for MY president and roommate, Jake Joseph Paul.


Name: Kiley Borba

Position: Staff Writer 

Person: Florida man

I wake up from my usual fever dream to realize I’m getting pelted with taco shells filled with grape jelly.

It’s my daily reminder that I decided Florida man would be my roommate.

 I don’t know his name, age, or what he even looks like half the time. All I know is that he is from Florida, and probably a man.

 It started out alright. I occasionally walk in on him drinking a gallon of deep frying oil or him making out with an alligator he got from the Oakland Zoo. 

But then in a matter of two days things escalated to him attacking me with a genuine katana because I supposedly took one of his socks from the dryer. 

Luckily I gave him a giftcard to Burger King, which he used to chop up and snort an entire packet of fun dip. I have to remind myself I’m a doing a good thing since he probably lost his home from the hurricane, or maybe he created the hurricane, I don’t know anymore.


Name: John Symank

Position: Staff Writer 

Person: Chris Pratt

Come on, who doesn’t love Chris Pratt? 

Whether he’s the hilarious and slightly dimwitted Andy Dwyer, leader of the band “Mouserat”, or the galactic legend, Star Lord, he’s constantly doing totally awesome stuff all the time. 

Who’s  to say that just because something’s on screen isn’t reality? If you were his roommate, and dinosaurs just showed up outside, Chris Pratt would know exactly what to do. 

And not to mention the massive change he made between being characters like Andy, to becoming the action hero we all know and love.

He would also make the perfect gym buddy. 

Plus, if we were roommates,maybe, just maybe, he’d let me fulfill my dream of wearing the Star Lord suit, or riding the dinosaurs, or even just being an extra in a movie sometime or somewhere. 

Just saying that would be awesome.


Name: Mason

Position: Staff Writer

Person: 2-D

My celebrity roommate would be 2-D, lead singer of the British virtual band Gorillaz.

 I’m a big supporter of friendships between cartoons and humans. I know a lot of people who think it’s impossible for humans and cartoons to be friends with each other, but I don’t think that’s true.

2-D is called that because according to his friend and bandmate Murdoc, he has two dents in his head. 

I’d like to be roommates with him because he has awesome friends like his band mates and Del the Funky Homosapien. 

He also likes playing video games and it would be fun to play with him, although he’s also good at them which is bad for me because I suck at video games. 

Another bonus that would result from being roommates with him is that I could hear all the new Gorillaz songs before anyone else does.

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The School Newspaper for California High School, San Ramon CA
Who would you pick for a roommate?