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Elon Musk throws us for a loop

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Elon Musk throws us for a loop

Kevin Sablynski, Staff Writer

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Elon Musk, the man who believes we all live in a simulation, is in the process of making a high-speed form of underground, long-distance transportation called a Hyperloop with SpaceX.

Musk’s proposed Hyperloop will be a shuttle-like vehicle traveling in an underground tunnel and track system, much like a subway train with a tad bit more speed.

The Hyperloop is said to reach speeds as fast as 760 mph underground, allowing passengers to get from San Francisco to Los Angeles in roughly 30 minutes.

All of this ingenuity had just stemmed from Musk’s annoyance toward car traffic. 

Out of this whole operation, the best part is how it’s solar-powered. What else would we expect from the CEO of Tesla and SpaceX?

As groundbreaking as this sounds, how luxurious could this way of travel really be?

Passengers are loaded into an inescapable tunnel and shot out much like a human cannonball circus act, traveling above an underground track below our feet. 

What would the ecological repercussions entail by disturbing the habitat of thousands of poor moles, worms and microscopic organisms? 

Where would all of that dirt displaced from underground go? Maybe it could go toward making Trump’s wall a reality by creating a large dirt mound on the Mexican-American border.

Such scientific feat is far beyond any average scope of comprehension, but why shouldn’t one just fly on a commercial airline?

With a Southwest Airlines flight from the Bay Area to LA being only 15 minutes longer at a presumably cheaper price with complimentary snacks and some wifi, how could the Hyperloop even compare?

At the very least, you can move around on an airplane, unlike the Hyperloop with its airtight, claustrophobic chamber, barreling down a narrow tunnel. 

And if there’s no wifi or snacks, no consumer in his or her right mind would possibly bare the hassle of sitting still for 30 minutes, especially in this day of lazy youngins.

Traveling at such a high speed, what’s stopping the passenger from getting nausea? The realization that you’re going 760 mph may get your adrenaline flowing and blood pumping to cause a heart attack, a stroke, or maybe a slow, chronic cardiovascular disease. 

(These claims are not backed by any medical expertise).

It would travel so fast as a transcontinental vessel, people could even get jet lag after a few hour journey.

The bathroom situation would be worrisome as well. Musk should implement a working toilet into every passenger seat for his Hyperloop, so any emergency excrement could escape the speeding pod some five miles behind them.  

In the midst of all of the Hyperloop hype, many have forgotten about Musk’s goal to embark on a long technological journey to colonize Mars. 

Musk may as well build a Hyperloop aimed upwards to our atmosphere, hurling us into the boundless reaches of space to shoot passengers up to Mars.

What could possibly be next in the line of transportation for our species? 

Musk might as well announce the creation of a shrinking machine, designed to pack humans into a hollow round for firearms to discharge, thus transporting us 2,500 feet per second. 

Within the coming decades, Musk will have evolved the human race into people who are solely reliant on Hyperloops tubes above ground, connecting our world like the inside of a hamster’s cage.

Leave it to Musk to find a way to wake up from our technologically-induced coma freeing us from this horrific simulation.

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Elon Musk throws us for a loop