The Californian

The beginning of the end

Conan Maron, Staff Writer

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Frustrated with the results of the 2016 election? Are you still chanting the words “not my president” in 2018? 

For all politically thirsty citizens wishing to implement real change, there is now a vacant government position ripe for the taking. 

Just imagine, putting yourself in unrestricted control over a  sovereign state, forcing your citizens to abide by your completely “rational” views of politics. 

Finally, add in the benefits of running your government in a place so desolate that you can mess with the rest of the world with the knowledge that everyone is too scared to challenge your power. 

Why didn’t anyone find out about this sooner? Now is the time for any citizen to cry “Viva la Revolución” and take the absolute power of the kingdom for themselves. 

No, it’s not becoming the president of the United States, nor is it even becoming the glorious dictator of North Korea. You’re running for an office in a place even more isolated from the world: the state of Kansas. 

But there is now a problem with this governor’s race. Due to some pesky little loophole in the state constitution that doesn’t require an age limit for office, some insane teenagers have now decided to join the race for control of a bunch of wheat fields.  

Teenagers running for office? An outsider who has no political history runs as an underdog, challenges the GOP elite, and still gets elected to office? That has definitely not happened before. 

 It’s obvious that kids have undeveloped minds that act quite childish. Kids are not mature enough to have proper rational thought on the full mess we call government. 

These claims can be accurately supported because that’s what everyone on Fox News and the Youtube comments section says these days. 

How would they even get to work? Would their mother have to drive them to the state capitol building every day? Do they regulate a certain percentage of the state’s funds for their allowance? Would they vape in their government office at regular intervals throughout the day? 

 This is what happens when Republicans run out of likable candidates to sacrifice. Or maybe this is a scheme concocted by the Democrats to implement their evil socialist agenda into American democracy one teenager at a time. 

All high schoolers eventually fall under the influence of the teachings of Karl Marx. If these kids got elected, this would be the first step from the left to implement communist rule over the United States. 

This is how democracy dies. This how we implement the new world order starting with our kids. Let the ruling classes tremble at a communist revolution and include the thunderous applause of millions of voters who will vote for children out of hate for the current GOP. 

The proletariat has nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. 

Kids running for governor? Toto, play the Russian anthem. We’re not in Kansas anymore.

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The beginning of the end