The Californian

The best of Cal High’s cuisine

Holden Curtis, Staff Writer

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As the most fanatic foodies of the world will tell you, it can sometimes take weeks or even months to get a reservation at the finest restaurants in the world. 

These bistros are so exclusive because many know that they serve the finest dishes on the planet. 

But there is one restaurant that is more exclusive than  the rest.

 In fact, it is so exclusive that only a select demographic of people can attend, and they are only allowed entrance for a maximum of four years. 

This amazing place I am referring to is, of course, the Cal High cafeteria.

The Cal High cafeteria, or “Caffetteria della California High” as the locals call it, is home to some of the most exquisite dishes known to man.

Here, I will delve into the most popular dishes served at this fine establishment, and describe the decadent flavors for the poor souls unable to experience them firsthand.

Artisanally Crafted Pepperoni Pizza

Perhaps the most frequently ordered meal is the delectable pepperoni pizza. 

Made with the finest reheated marinara sauce and a mixed bag of mystery cheese, this pizza will surely have your mouth watering. 

The presumably artificially colored, bright red pepperonis act as the bow on top of this gift for your taste buds. I’ve frequently seen a patron of the cafeteria go back for seconds or even thirds in a single lunch period.

When asked about his favorite meal, senior Jared Duffy said, “The pizza tastes like soggy cardboard.” 

To some of our more uncultured readers, soggy cardboard is actually considered a delicacy in many wealthy countries. This dish is truly the best the great country of Italy has to offer.

Grass Fed Beef Hamburger

This is the best example of an American tradition perfected. This hamburger is made with some of the most questionably decent meat in the Northern Hemisphere. 

Always either undercooked or overcooked, this meat patty will leave you with a startling sense of anticipation that some would say is worth the price alone. 

Once you bite into this delicacy, your mouth will be filled with a remarkably mediocre flavor palette. 

“I buy burgers as a conduit for me to eat massive amounts of ketchup,” said senior Nick Waterson. “I’m really just in it for the ketchup.”

As this respected cafeteria-goer said, this meal is worth it, even just for the sauce on the side.

Authentic Orange Chicken with Brown Rice

This authentic Asian cuisine is one of the most zesty and exciting items on the menu. 

The meal is prepared to look like classic Chinese takeout, with food so forcibly shoved into the little white box that it becomes hard to tell where the chicken ends and where the rice begins. 

It is because of the way it is prepared that the flavors blend so seamlessly. 

In addition to the saucy meat comes the amazing broccoli bits. 

“The broccoli was so soggy that it kept falling off my fork and onto my pants,” said senior James Quan. “My teacher was watching and gave me weird looks.”

This meal is so generous that it wants you to save some for later. The only downside to it, though, is the portion size. 

There is never enough to satisfy the insurmountable cravings patrons have for this endlessly delicious meal.

Locally Sourced Chicken Nuggets with Hawaiian Roll

The final item on the menu is the most versatile not only in its flavors, but its usefulness. These chicken nuggets are some of the most renowned in the world due to the special way they prepare them. 

“The chicken nuggets make for better bouncy balls than food,” said junior Blake Cunningham.

As the food-master supreme said, if your stomach has run out of room from eating all of the other amazing dishes you can use your leftover nuggets for an entertaining game of catch, making them the most unique nuggets on the planet. 

And if you think that breaded chicken didn’t provide enough carbs, the establishment provides a starchy Hawaiian roll on the side.

Despite the description of the reviews, no words could do these incredible dishes justice. If you are ever lucky enough to enjoy the many tastings of the Cal High cafeteria I implore you do so. 

But I will warn you that if you do eat here, you’ll never want to eat anything else again.

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The best of Cal High’s cuisine