The tragic, lonely life of the AP student

Kyle Maron, Staff Writer

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For all who strive to obtain the precious entity of higher knowledge. For all who are willing to lay down thy lives for the sake of advanced education. For all of us poor souls who have signed that damn AP contract. 

There is but one God out there who we have devoted our spiritual entity. One gospel to praise and shout everlasting joy to. One sacred philosophy to follow. 

Oh College Board, for you are the all so powerful deity with a mission driven not for profit organization that connects thy students to the ever expanding cosmos of college. 

But how did this start? Why did we ignore the frivolous warnings from the Cal High website that recommended that we take a MAX or 2 AP classes?

Two AP classes? I am laughing. That’s a silly joke. I am not getting into UCLA or Berkeley with such a pathetic schedule. 

College, oh that is the reason we put ourselves through this. It’s for the pleasure of pleasing our parents that we didn’t go to a “second tier college”. Ivy League or bust. 

But to do that, we must voluntarily shackle ourselves in the chains of the AP grind. To any outsider, this might look like some warped form of indentured servitude, but I can assure you that AP classes aren’t enslavement. They are a choice. 

The life of an AP student after this fatal choice is one of severe depression. One of a monotonous cycle in which you wake up, blank out completely in class, go home, and forget everything you learned in school that day. 

But where is the homework in that cycle? Doing your homework in a reasonable frame of time and getting enough sleep? Now that is quiet funny. 

For the AP student has mastered the art of procrastination, slowly putting off an assignment until the absolute last possible moment. 

It is but the unwritten rule that you aren’t supposed to start your assignments until tutorial the day of its deadline. 

Sleep is another arbitrary concept. 

They say we need eight hours of sleep per day. I scoff at such a bold statement. I say a three hours nap time at night is sufficient enough for sleep deprivation IS a lifestyle. 

Five hour energy IS my breakfast. But is it actually called breakfast if you never went to sleep? 

And this is all for what? So we can pass an AP test in May that individualizes our intelligence to a single digit number. We’re told to believe that the College Board is a “non profit organization” as we proceed to shovel out hundreds of dollars for their greedy capitalist agenda so that we might receive the sacred artifact known as the 5.

And after spending an entire year dying under the stress of our AP classes, we are left with a choice? Do we do the same thing next year?  Because we all hate ourselves, we say yes.