No more COVID restrictions for teens!

What do scientists know anyway? Students know what they’re doing


Ari Harvey

Life’s been hard during the pandemic, especially on teens in affluent communities.

Sienna Morgan, Staff Writer

Have you ever just found yourself sitting inside your pretty nice house in San Ramon holding your nice, new iPhone and being bored all day because of the coronavirus pandemic?

Are you sitting around wishing you could go on a vacation with your family and see your friends without masks because it’s finally safe? 

Yeah, a lot of teens feel that way right now, including myself. 

We’re all done with COVID-19. We’re at the point that some of us are ignoring those dumb scientists, just for the satisfaction of seeing our friends for a few hours or going on a vacation and bumping into tons of people that aren’t in our bubble. 

This behavior has now entered the minds of us, the typical suburban teenagers. We’re ignoring what the CDC says because we’ve already been quarantining for more than seven months and the virus has probably magically disappeared by now.

Still, some people in San Ramon just don’t get that teens are suffering and we need to have a party every day at different restaurants with tons of different people, without masks or social distancing.

The least we should be able to do is have indoor dining. It’s 100 percent safe because we’re just eating and there’s no possible way that sitting across the table eating is just as bad as talking with a friend without a mask. We need to eat, right?

I’m also pretty sure that the person we’ll see at that restaurant, who’s coughing up a storm, just probably has bad allergies. In no way could they possibly have the virus because everyone is following the rules just like me.

With all these restrictions, like only being able to eat outside and having to socially distance, we have been going out and seeing friends on a regular basis to feed the socially-deprived monster growing inside us. The monster only gets more hungry every second we spend away from not being able to breathe down another human’s neck.

“I’ve just been seeing my group of close friends without masks. When I mean my group of close friends, I mean like, 30 people. I’m popular in my town so I need to keep up with everyone,” junior Jane Doe said. “Anyways, it’s only like a different group of my close friends everyday and I have slightly under 50 friends so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”

Doe tells her friends everything, so there’s no possible way she’s been seeing other friends besides our close group of thirty people. There is no way to lose track of who’s been where with who because we teenagers know absolutely everything about our besties. We know exactly what their plan is, without even asking them.

For this very reason, dozens of friends and I decided to hit the downtown dressed up in the tuxedos and dresses that we had saved up for homecoming. Of course, we couldn’t wear masks, because my 1,500 Instagram followers need to see my beautiful pearly whites.

I think these boomers need to realize that this small satisfaction suburban teens get from seeing our friends is so worth getting COVID and spreading our germs. We have common sense about this though. We know that you can’t get the virus or pass it on if you don’t show symptoms, duh. 

Some teens are even taking it a step further and begging their families to take them on a vacation because they are sick of their plain old suburban life.

“I don’t give a crap about corona anymore. I’m so over it. I have been going on weekly vacations to different spots around the country,” fellow junior John Doe said. “This week I’m going to North Dakota, which has the highest current case rate of any U.S. state. I am visiting my 92-year-old grandma in Fargo. I would stay home if there was a deadly pandemic, but COVID just isn’t that bad now.”

Who needs to quarantine in between vacations? We all know that COVID is just a lie that the government is telling us common folks so we will “obey by their rules.” 

We all know that teens and children cannot get the coronavirus, so there is no point in worrying that we could spread the disease to our parents and grandparents.

So let’s all be like John Doe and go to North Dakota this week because we all need a vacation.

We can also take it a step further and fly to North Dakota instead of driving. Those planes must be safe because everyone is spread out. We can also eat at our seats six feet apart in a tiny aircraft. The crew must do a perfectly spotless job at cleaning because they need to make it safe for the hundreds and hundreds of people from around the world boarding the plane every day. 

A plane trip to Hawai’i is the best way to feed this socially-deprived monster during this tough time. Who wouldn’t want to relax on the beach without masks along with a couple hundred other people you don’t know?

But don’t be concerned about taking “huge” “risks” in this not-so-pandemic.

There’s no way that a nurse or a doctor could be going to the grocery store to supply food for their family and pass us suburban teenagers and get the virus. First of all we don’t have the virus and can’t get it. Secondly, the essential workers won’t be going out because their whole life is their job.

As millions of working-class Americans are required by an unforgiving economy to go to work everyday and risk their own health so they can put food on the table for their families and avoid eviction, it is our morally imperative duty to go to 10 of our friends’ houses every day.

There’s no way my actions can affect the recovery of our country. It’s only a few small things I have been doing during this virus like everyone else to help my crippling depression. 

Everything will be fine. This virus is already gone.