Texas: A rapsheet

Everything is bigger in Texas, including some some of our country’s biggest blunders in politics and sports


Isabelle Coburn

Texas is giving Florida a run for its money.

Brady Horton and Josh Nichols

Today, we’re going to be talking about Texas, the only state that has seceded from two different countries because the ruling class was so against the idea of freeing their slaves.

Texas is a vast land, stretching from arid plains in the northwest full of cattle to the swampy forests of the east full of sundown towns.

Even more diverse than the landscapes of Texas, are the characters that reside within it’s excessively large borders. From domineering personalities like Lyndon B. Johnson, to the eccentric Dennis Rodman, Texas really knows how to produce ‘em.

Its history spans hundreds of years, and is full of moments that will make you say, “Bro, what even?” From it’s days as haven for downtrodden settlers, to its current state, as a haven for downtrodden settlers, Texas has always been on the more looney side of history. Not the right side, the looney side.

Let’s start with the settler days. Texas was once a part of a glorious nation, known as Mexico. Many Texans fondly remember the days that Texas fought to separate itself from Mexico. We often hear a phrase thrown around, “Remember the Alamo.” Now, as you see, this wouldn’t be the first time that Texans proudly reminisce about the days that their forefathers fought to secede from a more perfect union.

After spending a couple years larping as secessionists in the 1860s, Texas was lassoed back into the Union, and has been a good little state ever since, never stepping out of line.

Sike. Texas could never stop being a perennial disappointment, as in 1963 lead met head with president John F. Kennedy, in one of America’s most infamous assassinations.

In the latter half of the 20th century Texas got political. It produced some presidents, in LBJ, Papa Bush, and later, his underwhelming son. Texas’ state politics also became a fierce battleground of ideas. Owing to its strong conservative and Republican base, Texas has become somewhat of an echochamber for some of the most hilarious and simultaneously depressing culture war narratives.

Let’s start with Greg Abbot. This fella was elected governor of Texas in 2014, and one key piece of legislation that he signed into law allows social workers to turn away LGBTQ clients and those with a disability. The blatant discrimination against the LGBTQ community is particulary disgusting, but what is even more ridicilously comical, and villanous, is the fact that Abbot, a parapalegic who cannot walk and is confined to a wheelchair, signed into law legislation allowing for state sanctioned discrimination against the disabled.

We wish we were joking.

Now let’s have a Ted talk. Ted Cruz is a US Senator from Texas, and the man who ate your child. And also, he may or may not be the Zodiac Killer. Ted has forged a career by being a conservative firebrand, and is one of the biggest names in the Republican Party. Iconic moments from his career include reading Green Eggs and Ham for eight hours, becoming an ardent defender of President Donald Trump shortly after the former president called Cruz’s wife ugly, and fleeing his home state to Cancún when his state froze over in February.

Now speaking of freezing over, I’m reminded of another quote about Texas, that I’m sure everyone has heard sometime before from an oddly nationalistic Texan: “Everything is bigger in Texas.” This, of course, includes the blackouts.

Texas’ government thought it would be cute and quirky and silly and funny and wild and crazy and based and redpilled if they just had their own isolated power grid.  But this wacky little plan backfired when the state was snowed in and couldn’t tap into the larger power grids that other states are a part of.  And it really went bazoinkers when Texans literally started freezing to death. Oh no!

How did Texas’ strong-minded leaders respond to an energy crisis in their state? Well, we know that Cruz took a little siesta in Cancún, before being caught with his pants down. But how about (former) Colorado City Mayor Tim Boyd, who instead of showing some gall, and leading his city through an incredibly tough time, decided to send a Facebook message out to his citizens, saying, “Only the strong will survive and the weak will perish” before adding “The city and country… or any other service, owes you nothing.” He later resigned.

So now that we’ve highlighted some of Texas’ most eclectic bunch of politicians, and walked through it’s spotty history. Now,  let’s talk sports because Texas is, of course, the faux Mecca of American athletics. Texas is chock full of infamous sports characters. But none reign supreme in a fashion similar to the literal clone of Emperor Palpatine, Jerry Jones.

Jones is the kingpin of American sports and owner of the Dallas Cowboys, the most hated team in football, by a fat margin. Jones, like the mystical dark lord referenced earlier, rules from the shadows, with an iron fist. Yet unlike Palpatine, Jones has failed to do much in the realm of winning, despite being the NFL’s most influential owner, and the unofficial GM of the Cowboys.

The Cowboys are a tale of a team that lives in the past. “America’s Team” has not won a Super Bowl since 1995, when Serbia did not exist and Jeffrey Epstein was a popular New York financier. Since then, the ’Boys have been marred by futility, and their fans continue to map every year when they fail to make any meaningful headway towards winning a Super Bowl.

Like the Cowboys, another Texas football team has perennially failed to achieve success. The Houston Texans are the only NFL team to have never appeared in a conference championship game. Like the Cowboys, Houston had a “God Emperor ” phase, in which Bill O’ Brien, a walking, talking Milk Dud who for nearly seven years, was allowed to have full control over managerial decisions in the organization. This man destroyed any relevance that Houston had. How embarrassing is it to the Texans organization that one chud was able to level the roster as he saw fit, to the point that the team is now a basement level bottom feeder, watching it’s entire core disappear, either because they are done being a part of the mess that O’ Brien left, or because they’re under investigation for sexual assault and harrasment? (Not cool, Deshaun.)

How humiliating is it that the state that lives football, breathes football, and claims to be the greatest harbor of football fandom is inhabited by two of the most tepid, and underwhelming professional sports franchises on the planet? Fitting.

Texas’ football teams are not the only ones drawing poor media attention toward themselves.  As we discovered two years ago, the Houston Astros baseball team was discovered to be stealing signs with high tech cameras and banging trash cans to relay pitches to the hitters.  It’s no wonder that after they were forced to stop cheating, some of their “best” players’ performances took a tremendous swan dive off a cliff.  I’m looking at you Jose Altuve, you little gremlin.

Unfortunately, people just can’t stop moving to our good ‘ol state of Texas. It sucks because after the 2020 census, Texas now has two more sure-to-be-gerrymandered congressional districts to which they can project political influence over our country.  How exciting to have more people like Dan Crenshaw steering us blindly in America! I can’t wait!