A bittersweet farewell to College Board

Editor parts ways with the most notorious standardized testing beast

As I get ready to leave high school, I look back fondly at the many wonderful things that I did. 

I made great friends, enjoyed school clubs, and was able to grow as a person. But I also have a list of things I remember… less fondly. 

The number one thing on my hit-list would be everyone’s favorite “non-profit,”  the College Board. You may be wondering why non-profit is in air quotes. Maybe it’s because each AP test costs at least $100, or the fact that the president of the College Board rakes in about $1 million in just annual salary. 

That number doesn’t even include the bonuses he probably gets from the amount of children’s tears he collects. Obviously I’m kidding, he collects their souls. 

So as I leave for college and say adieu to the College Board, I would like to air some of my grievances.

One thing I will really miss about the College Board is definitely going to be the PSAT, the test that it crams down our throats sophomore and junior year. I’ll especially miss the fact that even if you do manage to get a near perfect score, all that it does is give you a chance to win a scholarship. Even better, that scholarship is worth $2,500 when the average University of California school costs $33,000.

I will actually miss everybody disregarding the College Board’s request to not post online about the test because within mere minutes of the test being completed, Twitter would be flooded with memes. 

I’ll certainly miss the fact that in a pandemic, the College Board still asked for $100 for a test that was all online. I simply love monopolies in the American education system. I think that it’s great that there is only one alternative for standardized testing, and zero for Advanced Placement tests. 

Speaking of the AP tests, does at least $100 sound reasonable for a paper test that may or may not give you credit for one class in college depending on a list of factors? 

It almost feels like I’m a small business paying protection money to the heartless mafia. 

The College Board has given me first-hand experiences of a broken system, and continues to be one of the biggest factors in my lack of trust in American education. 

But to give the College Board some credit, it has inspired me. It has inspired me to become an attorney, particularly so I get the opportunity to help those suing the College Board. After being an attorney, I’d like to throw my hands into public policy, and maybe pass legislation that outlaws educational monopolies. 

It appears though, that I’ll be too late to the party as the College Board’s power on the education system is slowly dying. While I won’t be among the last class to feel it’s grip around my throat, that time is coming soon. 

In a perfect world, my kids will hear the great evil of the College Board as a vanquished demon of the past. But if not, I will be glad to personally feel the skull of the College Board crack under my boot. 

But for now, goodbye College Board. I’d bid you farewell, but that would be a lie.