So I found him. I found the guy who kidnapped me. He’s a scientist, but the worst kind.

I wasn’t the only person he had kidnapped. There were many others, all of whom had been experimented on by this scientist.

I was the only success story.

Needless to say, I developed a hero complex, and whipped out the powers that were given to me by the same man I used them on.

Luckily for you guys, he had his own powers too (how did I not expect that?), and the above picture is a climactic moment of the ensuing battle. A full dissertation of the battle may show up on the thecalifornianpaper.com at some point.

TLDR, I beat the crap out of that guy. He didn’t stand any kind of a chance, probably because I’m like the baby snake that can’t control its abilities and just lets it all out at once.

Since then I’ve felt drained.My powers have been seriously dampened, but I’ve never felt better. I’d feel more like a hero if most recollections of any of these events weren’t swept under the rug by everyone involved, but it feels good to have done good.

And I’ll continue to do good by giving you guys my advice.

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I am currently a bit overweight and I’m looking for weighs to help me get fit and be healthier. Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,

Too Much Man

Dear Too Much Man,

This is actually something I’ve spent time with myself! I may look in shape, but I’ve been pretty terrible to my body for most of my life.

That said, changing habits is hard. That’s why you need force.

I signed up for weights, and now every single day I’m forced to get up early to work out.

I made my own policy of working out at home. I listen to music constantly, so I picked a few songs that really pump me up, and whenever they come on from shuffle, I do sit-ups and push-ups and plank until the song ends.

If you’re feeling especially lazy, however, there’s something for you. Microcurrent Electrical Nerve Stimulation, otherwise known as MENS (men sold seperately).

Yeah. It’s a thing.

Just hook yourself up to a bunch of needles and a large generator, and over time the constant current running through your muscles simulates exercise and anaerobic activity, strengthening your whole body.

That is, if you can handle the needles. It’s like acupuncture on steroids. I’d probably deflate like when a baby moonja mistakes a Viking battleship for a comb.

I hope you’re different.

Godspeed, Woodward of Wisdom.

Dear Woodward of Wisdom,

I have recently developed superpowers, but I don’t know what to do with them. Being a hero would be great but the dark side is just so enticing. What do I do?

Sincerely, Heavenly Corruption

Dear Heavenly Corruption,

You have them too? We should hang out sometime!

Although I’m going to be quite honest, I’d like to hang out with you for multiple reasons, one being to keep an eye on you.

The first thing I feel I must tell you is that good and evil are not the only two paths. I’ve never even considered either, as my path has always been retribution. Giving the person who experimented on me “what for.”

I’d like to say I’ve done all this taking down the bad guy stuff to make the world a better place, but honestly I was just pissed at the guy who put me through hell.

Superpowers can also be used for just plain fun. Flying, super strength, telekinesis, all grounds for great fantasy and tomfoolery.

However, on the scale of good to bad, I must persuade you to be good. Though being evil sounds great, it will end off worse for everybody, including yourself. Let’s look at that situation.

One, you’ve got no friends.

Two, there will be constant attempts on your life.

Three…well, I can’t really think of a third, but the first two are bad enough. You would be lonely and paranoid. I don’t know about you, but I prefer the friends and, uh, benefits that come with being a hero. Yessir, some great friends and benefits.

So yeah! You should go to the good side if you choose that scale.

I also say that to save my own butt from dealing with you later.

Godspeed, Woodward of Wisdom.