By Ashby Huber

Do you ever wish you could check up on your ex, or learn about that girl who sits in front of you third period? Well now you can become closer than ever to that special person, without violating your restraining order.

In just five easy steps, I will teach you how to become not only a Facebook stalker, but a successful one at that. You will be able to learn everything about those kids you wish you were friends with.

Step One: Read every post they’ve ever had. A key part of stalking is getting into the mind of your prey. Don’t just see their status updates, find their hidden meaning and use that to your advantage.

When their status says “Going to Cold Stone with my BFF!” what they really mean is “Follow me to Cold Stone!”. After accessing their inner-most thoughts, you will feel the first threads of your Facebook bond forming.

Step Two: Carefully study their Information section. Everything they’ve written down is one huge hint. Their list of “Likes and Interests” is really just one big gift list. They write all of those things down so that you know what to give them next holiday.

Knowing their favorite movies, music, and personal information will make it easier for you to approach them in the real world. This leads us to step three.

Step Three: Never talk to, look at, touch, or even breathe over the shoulder of the person you’re stalking. I cannot stress this enough. Even though you might want a lock of their hair, you must resist the urge.

Any contact with your stalkee will bring up multiple questions that will in turn lead to a violation of that pesky restraining order.

Step Four: Look at all of their photos. When I say all, I mean all of them. Look at photos they’ve taken, photos they’ve been tagged in, and photos they’ve commented on.

Not only will you get 475,926 different angles of their face and body, you’ll get to pick out your favorites, print them out, and finish that shrine you’ve been working on.

Step Five: Learn the lie stalkers have been saying for years: “It was on my News Feed, yo.”. If you say this with wide eyes and showing all of your teeth, there is no way they wont believe you.

With this lie there is nothing you can’t do, nothing you can’t say…just don’t let your precious information slip to any shady looking strangers. You want to stalk your prey, not get them kidnapped

The most important part of Facebook stalking is dedication. Without dedication, your stalking will be empty and meaningless.

If you follow all of these steps, you will become a professional Facebook stalker. Just remember, don’t show anybody your shrine of them, and never ever violate that restraining order.