Considering the massive success of the Californian’s previous advice article, we knew we had to do it again. Once again, staff writer Alex Reid responds to concerns of our very own grizzlies asked in the Google form. This time we are expanding to a greater variety of questions and plan to continue this trend.
All letters came from readers who responded anonymously to The Californian’s Google form.
Q: P-p-please help me with this reoccurring problem…I-I can’t seem to b-b-bag any maidens. Please aid me in my quest to collect a harem!
A: I’d like to begin with the fact that reoccurring is not a word. It is recurring. That’s not really relevant, I just had to point that out.
Anyways, as a master of psychology, I am sensing you may be a little nervous which is completely understandable in a situation like this, so don’t freak out. And for those of you who don’t know (Obviously I knew and didn’t need Google), a harem is a group of wives or mates for that matter.
I would personally start by trying to just get your feet on the ground and go for one, maybe two partners and we can work from there. Not sure what your end goal is, but you gotta start somewhere you know. It also could be advantageous to actually be part of a harem first so you can get an insider perspective. As an aside, you could find it more rewarding to have only one partner that you have a deeper connection with, but you do you.
Q: I’m currently in the upstairs world language bathroom, and I clogged the toilet. I went out during lunch to get Taco Bell, and had two crunch wrap supremes with diablo sauce. I severely regret my actions.
When I first tried to flush, I immediately noticed a problem. The groaning of the plumbing seemed to shake the stall and echo throughout the whole building. Then the water came, and everything else with it.
The walls resembled a bio-hazardous Van Gogh painting. I’m worried the fumes will begin to leak into the surrounding classrooms. What should I do?
A: I mean what an unbelievable performance in the writing department. If you make it out alive, you gotta hop on the typewriter man. You could make some real money.
Honestly maybe a little too good with the descriptive skills. I didn’t really need every detail although the form read “in detail,” so I guess that’s on me.
First of all, how dare you leave the campus during lunch. We have gone over this. It is a closed campus!
What you should do and what I would do are very different things. I personally would leave as fast as possible, maybe try to throw the blame on someone else, and probably transfer schools, or states. This is obviously very selfish, so if you do have morals and ethics, then you need to deal with this yourself, and save the school.
The first step is to resolve the smell. Go to the PE locker room and find some Axe body spray, (I guarantee some random freshman has a bottle) and go crazy with it. After that, you have to unclog the toilet to stop the bleeding (I really hope that’s a metaphor).
Try to get your hands on a plunger and get everything that’s still in the toilet to go down. Now all that is left is cleaning the walls. You’re on your own for this one though, I don’t even want to picture that.
I would say write an anonymous letter to the cleaning department, but they definitely do NOT deserve this. Safe to say it’s wraps for you. Crunch wraps. I’m sorry I couldn’t help myself.
Q: What’s the best way to get a j*b?
A: I understand this question may be very scary for a lot of students at our school, but fear not, I am a veteran in the labor force (Follow me on LinkedIn if you haven’t already). One of my favorite movies is “Batman: The Dark Night”. The lead villain Joker says a famous line that is applicable to regulars like you and me that we can all learn from. “If you’re good at something, don’t do it for free.” I’m hoping there is at least one thing you are good at, so try to find a way to monetize that. If not, Mcdonald’s is basically hiring year round so that is a good safety plan as long as you like the sound of alarms. Anyways, good luck and feel free to give me free stuff from wherever you work if you do end up finding a j*b.
