When political animals attack

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By John Sexton, News Lite Editor

Stephen Colbert tries on his costume for the March to Keep Fear Alive.

What is the world coming to?

Witches are running for Congress. Pundits are holding rallies. And Fox News has no idea who signs their paychecks.

I’ve found that most high school students care more about  their friends and the Giants making the World Series than who runs the country. But with comedy gold like this, how can you not pay attention?

Here are the biggest, funniest political stories heading into today’s midterm election.

1. Christine O’Donnell: She’s a witch! Burn the witch!

Christine O’Donnell is the Republican Tea Party candidate for the Delaware Senate seat. She also used to be a correspondent on Bill Maher’s old show. (Bill Maher, for those who don’t know, is the original Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert personality. His show is on HBO).

On one of those episodes that wasn’t aired, she claimed she “dabbled in witchcraft”. One can only assume that she won her nomination by turning her competitors into newts. Of course, they’ve all gotten better.

Well, there are ways of telling if she is a witch. Because witches are made out of wood, she must float.

What else floats? A duck! We must weigh her against a duck! If she weighs the same, then she’s a witch! Burn the witch!

2. The Mosque of Death

There was an enormous discussion about the mosque being built at Ground Zero in New York. Fox News, in particular, was a tough critic of the mosque.

But here’s the catch: Fox News is part-owned by Prince Alwaleed bin-Talal, a Saudi prince who supposedly advocates terrorism. He also is a supporter of – you guessed it – the Ground Zero mosque.

So to wrap that all up, Fox News is criticizing the mosque that is supported by its boss. Suddenly Glenn Beck isn’t the only goofball on that channel.

Seriously, Fox can’t do very much right. Its news outlet is terribly biased, its pundits are unbelievable, and the robot that dances around on their football broadcasts annoys the heck out of me. Seriously, what’s that all about?

3. Restoring Honor. Really, Glenn? Really?

Fox News pundit Glenn Beck, known for his outrageous guilt-by-association accusations and tendency to see communist symbols everywhere, held a rally to “Restore Honor” at the Lincoln Memorial on Oct. 12.

Big subjects at the rally included the date, which was the anniversary of Martin Luther King, Jr.’s March on Washington. Beck also took a flock of geese in “V” formation as a sign of God. Who does Beck think he is? Chad Ochocinco?

If you really want to see the wackiness his fans come up with, look online for the Demon Lady that attended his rally. I’ll bet she’s still hungry.

4. The Governator – He’s back!

Our immortal Governator, Ahhhhnold Schwarzenegger, sent a Tweet while flying in an airborne vehicle mocking Sarah Palin. The tweet read, “Over Anchorage, [Alaska]. Looking everywhere but can’t see Russia from here.” Yes, Palin never actually said that she could see Russia from her house (Tina Fey did on Saturday Night Live), but it’s good to see that Ahhhhnold still has that knack for one-liners.

5. The Rally To Restore Sanity. Or Fear. Or Both?

Shortly after Beck’s quasi-political rally, Comedy Central pundit Jon Stewart made an announcement… that he would have a big announcement. That announcement turned into the Rally to Restore Sanity, an obvious play on Beck’s rally.

In the next half-hour, rival pundit Stephen Colbert announced a competing rally, the Rally to Keep Fear Alive, to oppose Stewart’s rally.

The two promoted their rallies separately by raiding each’ other’s shows and selling awesome merchandise, like Colbert’s hats with the rally’s logo on the front, and a big, scary “Boo!” on the back.

But Colbert failed to get a permit, and came on Stewart’s show to negotiate a truce. After an appearance by Oprah, in which she spent nearly as much money as Meg Whitman on Stewart’s audience, Colbert and Stewart combined their rallies to create the Rally to Restore Sanity And/Or Fear. It was pure comedy gold for Colbert. Oh, and that other guy, Stewart, too.