Dear Cordially Clouse,

I am a freshman with a third floor bottom level locker. How do I get a better locker?

– Tim

Dear Tim,

Well, there are two approaches you can take to this. The first option would be to cower before your upperclassmen, as you need to learn your place. Find dark, desolate corners where you can lurk and plot your eventual rise to power. Develop a prison environment mentality by constantly training, lifting weights, and taking public showers, maybe even getting a few sweet home-made tats while you’re at it. Carve words like “soon” on random lockers on the first floor.

The second option would be to unleash your carnal rage. Paint your face in blood, that of an animal or other. If you’re incapable of obtaining blood because we live in the suburbs, use cherry Kool-Aid.  It looks just as hardcore.

Confront the nearest upperclassman you see, making sure that he or she is at least six inches taller than you. Scream war chants at them until they urinate on themselves or get up and leave. Don’t be perturbed if they start throwing punches.

Stick to one of these plans and you should be able to have a locker on the first floor for your entire stay at Cal High. Either that or you’ll be killed by a raging senior.

Dear Cordially Clouse,

Many of my students don’t push in their chairs before leaving class. I know caning is illegal. Any suggestions?

@BrianTBarr

Dear Mr. Barr,

Your students are obviously under a lot of stress. You must accommodate to this by showing extreme kindness. If they don’t turn in an assignment on time, just pat them on the back and say, “All that really matters is that you tried,” or “It’s the thought that counts.”

If students should talk back during class, give them a sympathetic smile and a mini trophy that reads “participant.” They may have no idea what they’re going to do with a mini trophy, but it’s almost guaranteed they will think to themselves, “Today was a good day.”

On Thursdays, give all of your English students $5, all of your newspaper students $10, and all of your graphics editors $20.

However, if none of these work and students are still not pushing in their chairs, feel free to gather all your students in the quad and start a bonfire with the chairs in your classroom. If they start crying, know you’ve achieved your goal and smile to yourself because you’ve won. Nobody gets chairs.

Nobody.

Need advice? Of course you do. Ask Cordially Clouse on Twitter @cordiallyclouse. Look for your response next month.