Welcome to the 76th annual Hunger Games

Welcome to the 76th annual Hunger Games

Kaila Young, A&E Editor

Imagine thousands of students shuffling lethargically to first period, completely unaware they are about to enter a struggle for their lives that will result in destroyed friendships, unlikely alliances, and massive bloodshed.

No, I’m not talking about just another day of high school.

Sometime far in the future (but not that far), class sizes have more than quadrupled in the San Ramon Valley Unified School District as an unexpected result of Common Core. It has reached the point that students now have to stand shoulder-to-shoulder just so they can all fit into the classroom at once.

Very little learning is being done, test scores have taken a nosedive, and the number of students getting into college has halved.

The district has realized that the only possible way to put an end to this catastrophe is to create a bigger one.  Administrators have devised a deliberate plan to eliminate unworthy students from overpopulated schools such as Cal High:

Welcome to the 76th Annual Hunger Games: High School Edition.

Students are expected to fight to the death until only 100 of them remain. Those victorious students will be rewarded with the highest honor of being promptly sent back to class.

In order to stay true to the rules of the original Hunger Games, adults over 18 will be evacuated. This means that Cal teachers and administrators will not be participating.

This is a great disappointment to many students.

Do not be alarmed by the prospect of killing your peers. It’s like riding a bike. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be fine.

Now is your chance to extract revenge on every classmate who has ever done you wrong. Your first targets should include all of your nemesis, followed by that one guy who always borrows a sheet of binder paper and never gives it back.

But not everyone is cut out for the direct approach. Just as many students would rather find a nice, cozy place to hide until their classmates are finished killing each other.  Junior Karthick Ravi’s main focus would be defending his territory.

“I’d just hide in the teacher’s cabinet and kill anyone who came into the room with a textbook,” said Ravi. “Then I’d come out in like 10 days and be crowned victor.”

But with our current population of around 2,600 students quadrupled, finding victors may take just a little longer than 10 days.  Freshmen unfamiliar with the layout of campus and seniors weakened by senioritis will be the first to go.

The next wave of deaths will be the devout fans of “The Hunger Games,” who will be so overwhelmed by the fear and excitement of living their favorite book that many will probably take themselves out by accident.

As the days wear on, students’ cell phones will die one-by-one. Those who bring their chargers to school will prevail, but charger-less students will slowly fade into nothingness along with their phones’ battery lives.

The district will most likely try to be “environmentally friendly” and cut the power after the first week, thus eliminating all remaining electronic-dependent students in one vicious blow.  The lack of power will also turn the main building into a death trap.

Without the hallway lights, students won’t be able to see their rival coming until he stabs them in the back with a mechanical pencil.

Speaking of mechanical pencils, it’s important to establish a weapon of choice. School supplies are naturally dangerous, and there are many options from which to choose.

“My weapon of choice would be a small student because I could use him as a bat, as a shield, or as a sacrifice to save myself,” said junior Arman Sufi.

Besides the main building, there are many other death traps on campus.

The most obvious one is the bathroom, where students are most vulnerable and the absence of lights turns the room into a black hole. The last thing students need is someone to catch them with their pants down.

The cafeteria is a dangerous place on normal days, but in this situation it would be 10 times worse. Students will naturally gravitate there to try to get food, and it would be the equivalent of the Cornucopia in the original Hunger Games.

If students just stay away from these and other possible death traps, and select an effective weapon of choice…they’ll probably still die.

Many students, like junior Ariana Mah, have already given up hope.

“I’m a small person,” said Mah, “so I would probably die first anyway.”

Students better tie their shoes and get a running head start, then, because the odds are most definitely not in their favor.