Solar eclipse gave me super powers

Matt Martinez, Staff Writer

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I remember when everyone called me an idiot for staring directly into the eclipse without those stupid glasses on. 

Look at me now. I’m a frickin’ X-Man. 

I can’t even count how many times I heard the phrase, “Don’t look directly into the sun without glasses” before Aug. 21. 

Due to my healthy skepticism of the mainstream liberal media and virtually every authoritative figure in my life, I did the exact opposite of that. 

Let me tell you, it was quite possibly the best decision I ever made.

On the day of the solar eclipse, literally every other schmuck was wearing a pair of flimsy, dark lensed glasses, except for yours truly. 

I tilted my head at the perfect angle to ensure that our main source of light and heat was directly in my line of sight. In mere seconds, I felt a heroin-like rush through my veins (not that I’ve done heroin, but I imagine that the feeling was similar) and a sudden urge to fight off injustice. 

However, I hadn’t yet realized what a blessing I had received.

After school, approximately five hours after the eclipse, I found myself in a typical, mundane convenience store, when, similar to my eighth birthday party, a man burst in through the door wielding bologna nunchucks, threatening the cashier for money. 

When I first saw this, there were two immediate thoughts that popped into my head: 1) Damn, that guy bears a striking resemblance to Jimmy Carter; and 2) I should do something about this! 

I leapt all the way across the convenience store and burned my eyes directly into the man’s soul. The man developed a headache  so overwhelming that he passed out. That was when I began to realize the awesome “consequences” of the eclipse.

The powers continued to gradually reveal themselves to me. At lunch, I found that the water I had been drinking earlier had miraculously turned into wine. I thought it was kind of cool at first, but the novelty of drinking wine out of a plastic bottle that once contained water wears out pretty quickly.

Not long after the eclipse, I was on what some of you might call a “date night.” We were at a hole in the wall sushi place, devouring some truly phenomenal nigiri, when I realized that the amount the restaurant had given me would not fill me up. 

Of course I was a bit reluctant to order more food, so I decided to only think about eating more. To my surprise, every sushi roll that I pictured in my head began appearing on my plate at an alarming rate.

That’s not all.

Due to the heat wave in August, I decided to go swimming one day. I leapt off of a diving board, and to my dismay landed on the surface of the water as if it were concrete and broke my tailbone. Fortunately, I was able to heal my wound pretty much instantaneously, but it is a bit of a bummer that I can’t submerge myself in water anymore. 

Oh, I can also no longer see color.

So next time we have a total solar eclipse and you believe that you’ve seen enough color in your lifetime, consider looking at the eclipse to become a world-class hero like me.