The Californian

2017: The good, the bad, the ugly

Conan Maron, Staff Writer

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On Jan. 21, 2017, America watched their new emperor say the words, “I, Donald J. Trump, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. So help me God.” 

But it seems like God’s help was not present as the world trembled beneath his wrath. All hope in humanity evaporated under the orange glow of the supreme leader’s face. 

There was no God. There weren’t any morals left. 

Not even Reddit could produce enough original memes to save the dying world. 

According to mainstream media, the lives of innocent civilians didn’t matter. Your personal values didn’t matter. Even the rise of the Jake Paul empire with his legions of loyal 12 year olds didn’t matter. There was Trump and only Trump. 

Weak liberals tried to hopelessly hypnotize themselves in the infinite circular spin of fidget spinners, desperately trying to recreate a different world in their minds where Bernie Sanders ruled all.

UC Berkeley, already weakened by years of political correctness, imploded under the weight of the new world.

There wasn’t even any good music to drown out the constant political chatter. When we turned on the radio, the first song that came up was “Despacito.” When you turned on another radio station, it was more “Despacito.” 

Music lovers panicked, shaking in disbelief with clenched Arthur fists. They desperately sifted through cheaply made Lil Pump slappers and autotuned Migos songs in an attempt to find some original music. 

Then a new song came on. It’s beat and voice was something that nobody had ever heard of before. People jumped with joy but then realized with horror that they were listening to Bodak Yellow. Gucci Gang was immediately blasted to counteract Cardi B’s rapping.

Yet there was still hope. Maybe 2018 could be better. An eerie silence descended upon the internet as the daily 3 a.m. Twitter attacks from the president did not come. But this was just calm before the storm as Cal High students were met with the dreadful screech from our shared nightmares and that hope was shattered.

It was the beloved fire alarm. Its purpose was to warn people of a fire on campus, but its ringing was just an eerie warning to inform the world that this was only the beginning. 

This was only the start of the end leading to the downward spiral of civilization. This warning was scoffed at by many at first. This was just fake news perpetrated by CNN. 

There was no way that civilization could collapse so easily. This doomsday alarm was just a one time occurrence. 

But the alarm rang the next day. Then again every hour. Then every other minute as it was pulled over and over and over again so that the warning of civilization’s demise was all that could be heard. It’s noise even drowned out the cries of foolish slaves in the AP system. 

Civilization had fallen. The world shook under the noise of the fire alarm. Fires ravaged the countryside, taking no mercy to whatever stood in its way. Even Cal fell under this blaze. 

No wait, that’s just the smoke from the constant vaping that always clouds the school. 

Panic rang through the halls as students prepared themselves for another alarm. A student punched a hole in a first floor window in panic. The window’s cracked appearance could now represent how broken the school had become. 

The screeching sound came, but something had changed. 

Something was new. A new contender was also lurking in the screaming halls, daring any student to cross its path. 

It was a fire extinguisher.

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2017: The good, the bad, the ugly