How the Little Rocket Man stole Christmas

Alex Suehiro, Staff Writer

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’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through North Korea, not a creature was stirring, not even with diarrhea. The North Koreans were nestled all snug in their cots, while visions of the great leader danced in their thoughts.

 Every person in North Korea liked Christmas a lot, but Kim Jong-Un, sure did NOT! 

It could be that his heart was two sizes too small, but whatever his reasons may be, he did not like Christmas at all. 

He knew all North Korean girls and boys would rush for their nuke toys, but how he hated his people observing an American ploy. The North Koreans, young and old, would sit down and they’d feast and they’d feast. They’d  feast on Korean pudding, and artificial meat.

The more and more he pondered he knew this dreadful holiday had to be squandered. Then Kim Jong-Un got a wonderful idea to worship his  grandma Kim Jong-Suck and that idea surely stuck. 

Then Kim Jong-Un laughed in his throat and dressed all in black, from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with fashion and soot. 

He loaded some bags and some old empty sacks and headed toward the homes where the North Koreans lay a-snooze on their racks. 

Evil filled the air as the North Koreans were dreaming without care. He opened the front door that was a rather tight pinch so he inhaled sharply and gave his waist a cinch. 

He thought, “You all are in luck!” and gave every schmuck a photo of Kim Jong-Suck. 

Kim Jong-Un slithered with a smile most unpleasant, and he took every present. He stuffed them in bags and threw them outside. He’d never been filled with so much pride. 

Then he took the Korean feast. Took the Korean-pudding and artificial meat. 

He left nothing but photos of Kim Jong-Suck on the walls of the house and the one speck of food that he left was a crumb so small, even for a mouse. 

And then he heard a sound. It started in low, then it started to grow. But this sound wasn’t sad. Why, this sound sounded glad! Every person in North Korea, the tall and the small, worshipped without any presents at all.

He puzzled and puzzled ’til his puzzler was sore. Maybe Christmas, he thought, will be ignored. Maybe Christmas means nothing anymore. 

Well, in North Korea they say that Kim Jong-Un’s small heart grew three sizes that day and that Kim Jong-Un found the strength of 10 Kim Jong-Un’s, plus two!

Now that his heart felt so tight, he whizzed with his black robe through the bright morning light. December 25th is no longer night where reindeer neigh. It is now what is known as Kim Jong-Suck Day.