The Californian

The North Pole goes south

Holden Curtis, Staff Writer

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On Dec. 27, 2017, the hearing of The People v. Kris Kringle was held in the New York State federal court. 

The man, more commonly known as Santa Claus, was charged on more than 38 various felony offenses, with dozens more misdemeanor charges on the docket. 

The severity of Kringle’s crimes combined with his international fame was sure to make this hearing a worldwide phenomenon.

The day began with jolly old Santa being carted into the courtroom on a dolly, bound with a leather mask in true Hannibal Lector fashion. 

He was carted to his side of the aisle where he was met by his lawyer, an elf by the name of Craig McElfenshart. 

Both the prosecution and defense prepared for the upcoming trial while Judge Lance Ito took his spot on the bench.

Ito called for the court’s attention and began the trial procedures. The criminal charges against Kringle were listed as such: breaking and entering, grand theft auto, armed robbery, aggravated assault, arson, tax evasion, treason, and, worst of all, loitering.

When asked how he pleaded Kringle stated, “I ain’t guilty you [expletive removed] I’m [expletive removed] Santa Claus! I’m only guilty of being the jolliest person in the world [expletive removed].” 

One short breathalyzer test later soon revealed that the defendant had somehow hidden a flask of spiked eggnog in his beard, and was, in fact, intoxicated.

After Kringle was  back under control, the first witness was called to the stand. He was a 6-year-old boy named Indiana Longnuts. 

When asked what he saw on the night of Dec. 24, 2017 the boy stated, “Santa came into my room and he smelled bad! He was running around and he was saying bad words and telling me he was gonna take presents from me this year and I would get none. Then he lit my curtains on fire and jumped out the window screaming!”

The boy, visibly shaken by his account of the events, burst into tears. Kringle was clearly amused by this and burst out in laughter with a mighty, “HO HO HO! That kid’s a wimp!”

The second witness took a seat next to the judge, this time a 37-year-old mother named Cindy Bundlestunk. 

Her testimony was as follows, “That monster destroyed the shingles on my roof with his flying dog things. Then he came barreling down my chimney guns blazing. Literally! He was firing at everything in sight with his candy cane gun. I nearly died! Then he yelled ‘[expletive deleted] yeah it’s Christmas!’ He smelled of boxed wine and eggnog. He was clearly drunk and enraged.”

After thousands of other testimonies just like these, Kringle gave his final statement. 

“Alright fine. I did it all OK! But like… I don’t even care. I’m just so tired of making all these greedy kids presents and all I get in return are fat jokes. My stomach is a bowl full of jelly? 

“Are you [expletive deleted] kidding me? I’m done man I want all my presents back you hear me? I want them back!”

After this shocking outburst, Kringle was immediately found guilty of all charges, especially loitering. 

The defendant was sentenced to life in prison without parole. 

After the ruling, a large cheer erupted from the crowd. It turned out to be the elves wildly rejoicing the fact they were no longer forced into inhumane slave labor.

After such a tumultuous trial it is unclear what the current state of Christmas will be. 

Will someone take up the Claus mantle, or will children be left without toys? These questions will  surely remain a mystery. 

However, one thing is certain: Hanukkah is about to get a lot more popular.

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