The Californian

Valentines for Vladimir: From yours truly, Donald J. Trump <3

Holden Curtis, Staff Writer

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As we all know, our glorious leader in the White House has been in some hot water recently, as accusations of collusion have been aimed in his direction. 

Many of his underlings have been indicted in search of proof of committing these Russian wrongdoings.

There has already been plenty of dirt uncovered, and a number of President Trump’s lackeys have been given their due justice. 

Despite all of the incriminating evidence found supporting the theory of collusion with Russia, it has come to light that some documents happen to be more neighborly than nuclear. The following transcript is one of these leaked documents handwritten by our President and printed here for your entertainment:

Dearest Vladimir,

Our time away from each other has been Putin me in a grave depression. Living in this dump they call the White House can sure be lonely, especially when your own wife wants to leave you. I long for your icy embrace, Vladimir. I wait for the day we exchange another compassionate handshake as my tiny hand meets yours. I wish to brave the Russian winter by your side. I would be willing to withstand one thousand years of the harsh Russian winter for just a few moments with your company.

Have you been reading my tweets, Vladimir? Many call them crazy, but when they do I laugh. Only we know that my tweets are actually sweet nothings from me to you written in our secret code. 

I was glancing at that picture of you on the horse the other day. You know, the one where you look like a KGBeast? I’ll tell you Vladimir, I was blushing so hard you could nearly see the rosiness of my cheeks through my spray tan. 

Perhaps if we can ever meet in your beautiful country we can ride on horseback through the unfinished streets of your wonderful, poverty stricken cities. Think of the fear and disgust washing across the faces of the citizens as we whisk by. We are the greatest pair. We are like two missiles in a silo!

I am tired of being apart. The longer we wait the more that rascal Kim Jong Un tries to get between us. He is always saying that his missile cache is much bigger than mine. That’s impossible. My missile cache is HUUUGE. No one knows my hatred for that “Little Rocket Man” like you, Vladimir.

I wish we didn’t have to keep our friendship a secret. If only such terrible, sad news networks like CNN didn’t exist. But alas, if we announced our feelings to the world today, CNN would report fake news on how you are simply using me to complete a hostile takeover of America. Crazy, right?

Unfortunately I must end this letter here. I hear Vice President Pence coming and if he sees I’m writing to you he will complain all day about how I don’t give him enough attention. Farewell my cold hearted comrade!

Your presidential pal,

Donald Trump

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Valentines for Vladimir: From yours truly, Donald J. Trump <3