Your ultimate guide to Black Friday survival

Prepare your wallets, enjoy the traffic, and please try not to get trampled before the holidays


Kathy Le

Shoppers engage in operation Lets. Get. That. Bread in an annual Black Friday shopping massacre

Andrew Sousa, Sports Editor

Within a week, the doors of stores nationwide will open up, serving as the battleground for the annual warfare known as Black Friday. 

With the opening of doors, people swarm into the nearest Walmart or Target, desperate to get their hands on the lower prices of the newest Xbox or Nintendo Switch. 

Doom is all but certain for those who don’t have what it takes to sacrifice others for their own personal gain. 

But with the right strategies and willingness to persevere, you can avoid the imminent onslaught and emerge victorious from the discount fray.

It’s crucial to establish your place in line and ward off enemy lines. Parking lots on Black Friday are like warzones and should be treated as so. Stake your claim in the parking lot or somewhere ahead of time and hold it. 

Bring a tent, build a fort, dig a foxhole complete with satellites and artillery if need be. Just make sure that no one can stand against you and your coveted place in line. 

Drawing out an attack plan will greatly benefit your odds at success. Beforehand,  research entrances and exits to all stores nearby. Devise a plan that maximizes access points like mall entrances or nearby stores, and storm your local Walmart like the beaches of Normandy. 

If planned right, you’ll be sweeping stores dry of all their cheap items within seconds, swiftly cashing in on other stores while all the commoners are busy destroying one another to even realize that their objective is slipping away from them. 

In the event that the operation fails, you’ll have known all exit points to make a March of Ten Thousand Men retreat with whatever you were able to snatch. Perhaps your haul will not be as bountiful as you would like, but you’ll escape with your sanity and kneecaps.

Having trouble pushing through? Create alliances. Find others with similar desires as you and create bonds. Work as a unit to wipe out any possible threats to your coveted items. After the conflict, betray them and take everything you can. Harsh, yes, but that newest PlayStation requires sacrifices. 

If all else fails, rampaging just may be your last option. Invade and pillage other encampments, leaving nothing behind but misery and normal prices for those who miraculously withstand your torrid siege. No man, woman, or child will be safe your sale induced rage. 

Every aisle, stand, and checkout will be wiped, leaving no hope for any opposition. Your desolation of the area will be so great, the Siege of Vicksburg will cower in shame. 

Enter and leave your store of choice as the last survivor, leaving behind a scene of destruction and deserted wasteland. Or you could just shop online.