Dear College Board, you really suck

Siddhant Gupta, Managing Editor

Dear College Board,

Thank you for being the na-tion’s leading education basednonpro t association dedicated to preparing, inspiring, andconnecting students to college.

Ever since you created the rst American College Entrance Exam for multiple colleges in 1899, you have made high school more competitive than ever, and we love it.

You had so much success that you took over America,touching the souls (and personalinformation) of students all across the country.

In all my diaphanous dreamsof didactic prep classes andsessions in which I develop my equanimity for the execrable reading portion of the SAT, I usually awake feeling quixotic and worthless, envious of the virtuosos of my class. Wow!

If I hadn’t encountered theCollege Board, I might have had

to use the inferior vernacular ofthe common people. Well, they know how to le taxes and have a good grip on life skills and economics, but at least I can calculate compound interests.

One of my favorite things about your company is the sheer variety and utility of APcourses offered.

I was looking for an intern- ship at a law rm and when asked what I learned in my history classes that made me interested in government, I found myself unable to think of much other than the succession of English kings from Euro.

My favorite part about Col- lege Board’s AP test program is that we have to pay more than $100 to take the test. It is the best motivation to think that either the studying pays off and I can skip the rst semester of introductory physics in college, or the money is lost and well spent by College Board.

I know you have the noblestintentions in charging such ahigh cost because, after all, you are a 501(c)3 non-pro t, and your CEO earns only about $700,000 annually.

By far my favorite thing that you guys do is connecting highschool students with collegesthat pay to access the database

of student information.
I was initially aiming for UCs

and a few notable East Coastcolleges, but that changed when I accidentally signed up for theCollege Board Student SearchService. After my unread email tab on my phone escalated from 24 to 1,353 emails, I recognized that Tulane University, George Mason and Colgate University were perfect for me.

I didn’t even consider thatthese are some of the most ex- pensive universities with some of the worst nancial aid pro- grams because I trust College Board with my life.

And after the thrill and disap- pointment of comparing scores with others, I am reassured that Wake Forest admissions informs me I’m ready and I’ve impressed Iowa State.

Thank you, College Board, for being the omnipotent mo- nopoly that is always challeng- ing me with trivial concepts, motivating me with high prices, looking out for my best interest, and selling my information to colleges that send me analeptic emails in my times of sorrow.

Signed, Anyone and Ev- eryone to Whom You Have Administered an Exam.

P.S I will be taking the ACT in March 😉