By Joseph Bugbee
The 2010-11 school year had its fair share of scandals, brawls and victories.
Dress Cutters: The Serially Seductive
Last September, Cal High administration was determined to put an end to young people showing what they got (and what admins don’t). All across campus the dress cut crack down began and those who chose the path less-clothed found themselves out of their birthday suits and into their P.E. uniforms.
Students voiced their displeasure and the wittier teachers explained that students can’t wear clothes they wouldn’t want to see their history teacher in. Although the thought of Mr. Devries in short shorts is tempting, I’m not surprised that the complaints died down.
After a few months of woefully well-dressed women, the administrators gave up their quest and male students everywhere rejoiced as the bay watch babe watch restarted.
Bi-Winning
Old jokes die hard and old actors can apparently survive a lot of cocaine. No one can forget the infamous Charlie Sheen who, after his long run as the highest paid actor on television, got the sack with style.
Not happy to be fired, Sheen went on national television to badmouth his directors and their “ugly wives, and ugly children,” and describe his impressive exploits with an immense amount of drugs.
Sheen actually created a roadshow that sold out in a ridiculously short amount of time. To my surprise, people were actually disappointed when the show turned out to be one of the most awful pieces of entertainment since “Two and a Half Men.” It’s Charlie Sheen, what did they expect?
Royal Wedding
This year, the Royal Wedding was big news. Students lost in the illusion of the perfect princess stayed up through the early hours of the morning to watch Katherine Middleton walk down the aisle with Prince Charming. Personally, the wedding wasn’t too big of a deal since, firstly, Katherine isn’t nearly as pretty as Queen Rania of Jordan, and secondly, Osama Bin Laden died.
America Wins Again
Discontent with being known solely as America’s number one enemy and the number one sound-alike to President Obama, Osama Bin Laden made one final act of terrorism: to totally kill the buzz over the royal wedding by getting himself killed.
Bin Laden, the hide-and-go-seek world champion, was flung into the ocean after his death, finally giving us an answer to the age old question of “who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” In the words of Kid Cudi, if you got terrorists we feel bad for you, son, because we got 99 problems but bin Laden ain’t one.
Arson, Bomb Scares, and Fire Alarms, Oh My!
Silly underclassmen (who else would it be?) caused two bomb scares this year and left a couch burning in the parking lot. Really? Who burns a couch? Is anyone so angry that they get home and just really feel the urge to burn the crap out of a couch? Apparently some sophomore was.
To the apparent surprise of absolutely no one, burnt furniture caused little interest around the school. But at this time I would like to call for a moment of silence for the couch. Although his cushiony days might be over he will forever live on in our hearts, in the seat of our pants, and in the strange lingering smell that comes from sitting on an old couch.
Also, if full-campus evacuations from fake bombs left in the third-floor boy’s bathroom weren’t enough of a distraction, the school’s fire alarms were constantly going off for no apparent reason. To the joy of the students and the frustration of the teachers, the alarms managed to disturb every class period at least once.
YouTube
It must be human nature to post awful videos for the world to see because it sure is human nature to mock everyone on YouTube. But there are several noteworthy stains that sifted out of the sphincter of the Internet.
First, Alexandra Wallace (a.k.a the UCLA girl), well-known for her distaste for Asian people, managed to earn death threats for her video. Apparently, being openly racist and insensitive about a tsunami that killed thousands might result in some public backlash.
Second, Rebecca Black, the world-renowned singer awed millions with her incredible ability to recite the days of the week. Sadly, she made money off her video.
Antoine Dodson also made his debut on iTunes with his accidental hit, “The Bed Intruder Song.” Dodson enlightened listeners worldwide with his brilliant advice to hide their kids, hide their wives, and hide their husbands from rapists.
Mr. Cali: The Battle of Joseph and Steven
Cal High’s annual showcase for the schools best bods and rippling torsos, more commonly referred to as Mr. Cali, took place this year with sizzling sensuality. Eleven fine gentlemen took the stage to show off what talent they did and did not have.
Mr. California winner Matt Deans and Mr. Congeniality winner Nitin Yenigalla were probably quite satisfied with their victories. But as everyone knows, the newspaper duo of Steven Lau and Joseph Bugbee stole the show with their piano-playing and unicycling-juggling acts.
Senior Ball
Flashing lights, great desserts and a shamelessly self-promoting DJ marked our memories of this event. No one can forget being patted down by their favorite teachers, and of course, watching Mr. Devries getting his groove on. Many had the slightly disturbing but truly humbling honor of dancing with the master of econ.
This truly was a night to remember especially for the lucky group of seniors who got to remember it almost two hours longer than everyone else as they waited for their parents to pick them up because their original bus driver had alcohol stashed around the bus.
Signs of the Upcoming Apocalypse
Nobody needs a reason to party, but the end of the world is too good of a reason to pass up. This last year has been jam-packed with signs of the apocalypse. From BP oil spills to earthquakes in Asia, to volcano eruptions in Europe, to the Japanese tsunami, it really seems like the odds are against us.
So don’t pass up any opportunities to have fun. Once the world ends, so do the parties.
Senior Picnic
Nothing says fun in the sun like a cloudy day in May. This year administrators thought they were being clever by placing Senior Picnic on the same day as Mommy-sign-me-out-day (a.k.a. Senior Cut Day). Clearly, administrators underestimated their opponents. Seniors, in a sudden moment of genius, made the collective decision to move senior cut day to the day after the picnic, effectively giving seniors two consecutive days off and metaphorically sticking it to the man.
Men Like Women…
Who Knew?
Apparently, the richer a man is, the more likely he is to cheat on his wife. First there was Tiger Woods whose list of extramarital activities just keeps going. He is now known as Cheetah Woods.
Then there was Arnold Schwarzenegger. Those who thought of the former governator as a dumb body builder were proved wrong when it was revealed that for the last 10 years Arnold was able keep the secret that he fathered a son with his maid. Apparently, being married to Maria Shriver, a nationally-acclaimed journalist and widely-respected woman, wasn’t enough to satisfy all the loving Arnold needed.
Next, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the president of the International Monetary Fund, was accused of sexually assaulting a maid in a New York City hotel. He’s French. Enough said.
This is probably my last article. I would be sad about it, but a warm feeling fills my heart when I realize that no one at all will miss me because no one reads my articles.
