How to catch the perfect feast

Caitlin Stein, News Editor

It will soon be the most important meal of the year: Thanksgiving.

It’s the time of giving thanks to the pilgrims who gave us America and the wonderful idea of getting fat on one day of the year. Now, some may say that the most important part of Thanksgiving is the dessert. It’s not.  It’s the turkey.

And unlike our pilgrim brethren, the difficulties of getting fresh-quality turkeys these days have increased.

But starving pilgrims of the present day still have a chance to eat a feast fit for a king. The best way to get a fresh turkey is to hunt one yourself. Now, how can you do that?

One technique would be to get a shotgun filled with prepared stuffing as ammo.

It’s a well known fact that turkeys native to San Ramon are the insecure losers of the turkey family, and eat their feelings whenever food, more specifically stuffing, is around.

Once the stuffing is eaten, the turkey will fall into a food coma, making it easier to capture.  Or one can just gain the turkey’s trust, and then, like in any good soap opera, betray it and poison it with arsenic.

Do not use gasoline. Scientists have proven turkeys are very allergic to gasoline and will get terrible indigestion, leading to a spoiled turkey.

If you can’t get your hands on a stuffing shotgun or arsenic, take the barbaric approach and use your bare hands.  I suggest living out in the wild with nothing but a rusty spoon for a week or so to get a feel for the environment. Once your week is over or you finally go insane, it’s time to hunt.

There is the chance one will encounter a clever turkey you just cannot catch. In a case like this, find a way to trap the creature that exceeds it’s level of cleverness.  If all else fails, make the dangerous trek to your local Safeway and buy a frozen one. But really, who has time for that?

Once you have your turkey, the next steps to creating your meal should be a cinch. It can take hours to get the next important part of a Thanksgiving dinner: the vegetables.

One must go to the supermarket, park their car, go inside, select the vegetables, pay for them, find their car, and drive home. That is very exhausting and can gobble up a lot of time.

To fix this errand, I would suggest creating a diversion. There are many ways to do this, one would be to dress up the turkey, given it is not cooked yet, and have it parade around the supermarket.

That would for sure distract a number of people, giving you a chance to cut to the front of the checkout line or just smuggle the vegetables out of the store.

If you have not hunted down your turkey yet, perhaps find a colleague of yours that has a passion for food, especially giant meals like Thanksgiving feasts. Have them dress up like a pilgrim instead.

Both would work because while the turkey or your associate acts out as a pilgrim, you can dress up as the opposite: a Native American. Then do a wild chant, steal some of the store’s food like you’re out terrorizing another tribe, and run out.

No one will even know the vegetables are gone.

Now that the turkey and veggies are off your checklist, there comes the final piece of the meal: the pie. Some prefer pumpkin and others pecan.  Either way this part of the dinner cannot be forgotten. How would one acquire such delicacy?

Making your own pie or buying one is so 1876. Modern times deserve a better method.  The super market approach generally works. Ringing your neighbors doorbell and raiding their house is just as effective.

On the way out make sure to say “Thank you” for this is the time of giving and thanking. You were not raised by animals, so remember your manners.

This may take a lot of time and effort, but hunting for turkeys is great practice for the second most important and loved meal of the year: Christmas!