Cancel your trip, North Korea closes borders


Photograph: Kns/AFP/Getty Images

Austin Hille, Editor In Chief

Ebola is bad. That’s pretty much an accepted fact.

But the truth of that fact really hit home on Oct. 23 when North Korea decided to close its doors to the multitudes of tourists that visit each year because of the Ebola outbreak.

Yes, even the mighty Kim Jong Un has joined the international overreaction that has stemmed from the outbreak by killing an industry in his country that probably never even existed in the first place.

It’s hard to determine the legitimacy of these claims, but apparently North Korea actually has a thriving history of tourism.  As a matter of fact, if one wanted to visit this illustrious country prior to the outbreak, they would have to choose between the wide variety of three travel agencies to go through.

Rumors have spread that these three agencies are simply just figments of Kim Jong Un’s imagination, much like his success as a leader, his thriving economy, and any weight loss he has claimed to experience.

In order to even be considered for one of these tours, one had to pass a stringent list of security tests. First, the happy vacationers must’ve proved they hate America. This includes searching vacationers and their belongings for anything that may be even remotely considered red, white, or blue.

Shades of pink and light blue were acceptable, but rather frowned upon.

If they passed this test then they must have proved how much they loved North Korea. All guests had to go into a trendy karaoke bar and sing the North Korean national anthem, “Aegukka,” to Kim Jong Un himself.

Well, not really Kim Jong Un, but a life-size cutout of him. Regardless of this it still had the same effect.

Perhaps the toughest part of this test was not laughing at the highly delusional lyrics.

“The country established by the will of the people/Breasting the raging waves with soaring strength/Let us glorify forever this Korea/Limitlessly rich and strong”

Seriously, these are the lyrics.

Some would say these lyrics were the true beginnings of modern hip-hop, seeing as how the whole song is essentially North Korea bragging about something they don’t possess.

If a would-be vacationer messed up or even cracked a smile, they were shot on the spot. It’s safe to say that this was not a good family vacation spot.

From then on, one was allowed to freely explore the country and all it had to offer. And by freely I mean heavily guarded and watched over like a hawk.

Essentially all visitors were guided through the country by government officials so vigilant it feels as if Kim Jong Un is holding their hand through the entire tour.

So, if vacationers were tall enough to see over the heavily armored guards surrounding them, then they would have been able to take in the many sights – the starving children, the desperate beggars, and a small amount of the millions of shrines to communism.

Finally, if vacationers were to make it through the tour alive, they would have received a complimentary T-shirt. All guests got to choose between one that read “Death to America!” and another that read “I Love Communism.”

But sadly, the Ebola outbreak has put an end to this amazing opportunity. Kim Jong Un felt it necessary to protect his citizens from the sickness and closed  North Korea indefinitely.

Once again all the citizens of his country rallied behind the leader’s wise decision.