Overpriced, overused, overrated


Sydney Furman

Left to right, young deities Marko Batkovic, NAtale Samuels, Samantha D'Arpino, and Alex Valleoneo flex their sacred goods.

Josh Nichols, News Lite Editor

Throughout history, people have always had the desire to be the best: sports, academics, politics, underwater basket weaving, beaver role play, you name it. There is always someone trying to be their best.

But when you combine social hierarchy with the need to be the best, you can get only one result: AirPods.

Now millions of people can show off their drip, from Facebook hipsters on Segways to Rudy Giuliani. Look it up. I dare you.

AirPods have turned the experience of listening to your favorite Soundcloud rappers into a nonstop 24/7 fashion runway.

Walking into AP Euro, being pulled into the back of a squad car or being disowned for plummeting your family into crippling debt due to obses- sive spending habits has never looked so snappy.

Aside from the 11/10 swag rating, AirPods also assert dominance. Move over India, a new caste system has beenunof cially created, with threelevels.

Third, we see Samsung users. No explanation needed. Second are people with traditional earpods. And on top, the head honcho, the jefe grande, is the AirPod user.

It is only a matter of time until AirPods are ruined by people who have no use representing them, such as JoJo Siwa, furies, libertarians, Elon Musk, Tom Brady, and Salt Bae.

AirPods have launched the superiority complex of 2019 into action.

The peasants who can’t afford to drop $159 on AirPods have been struck with a new form of polio, symptoms being random

crying, depression, guilt, para- noia, and bloody sweat around AirPod users.

“I hardly hear ‘broke’ considering I have conductive hearing loss, so there isn’t much of a point caring whether or not I have them,” said snarky senior Saja Abdoulmalwa.

T-Posing is no longer the proper way to show off and assert your power over others. Instead just pop in those lil’pods and kaboom!

Sophomore Ryan Bretschnei- der exclaimed that AirPods sim-

ply made him feel “elevated.” Now for some real analysis on the product. What actually makes some 0.14 ounce earbuds

so damn amazing?
Let’s start with the fact that

they are absolutely tiny. You can lose them easier than Derrick Rose can lose his ACL’s. Yikes.

Somber Sophomore Kaitlyn Perry had to resort to dumpsterdiving to nd her AirPods thatwere left on a lunch tray one day.

She didn’t nd ‘em.

“I left them on my lunch tray and because they were so tiny I

Sir 21 Savage

forgot about them and acciden- tally threw them away,” Perry said. “I then had to dumpsterdive to try and nd them butI couldn’t and so that was like $150 or something that I (her parents) lost.”

Another problem with Air- Pods is battery life. Apparently,they’re supposed to last vehours, but that’s bull honky. We all know it’s more like three.Which is ne because it matcheswith the battery life of your iPhone XR. #AndroidRoast.

I’m no tech geek. I can’t even type a sentence without a speling ewror.

But AirPods seem like an absolute waste. They don’t even come with Apple’s newest stupid phone, the XR or XRS or whatever. I don’t even know what letter combo we’re on. Is XLXSRX a thing? Or is it XLSRXX Max XS?

AirPods just seem like they’re a social thing rather than a practical thing, and it’s hilarious but terrifying.

Memes galore have risen but at what cost? Kids now walk through the halls with their brand new AirPods, whip them out and say, “Look at me, Hey! I don’t stay in them projects anymore. I’m not a project baby anymore. I’m a suburbs kid. I’m a suburban.”

Now for some trivia. Did you know that King Louis XVI was listening to “New Patek” on his AirPods when he was arrested? Or that Abe Lincoln was listening to a George Orwell audio book which prevented him from hearing John Wilkes Booth approaching?

This fascinating information may be fabricated, but still, you readers get the vibe. AirPods have swiftly swept through the American high schools in a fashion hasn’t been seen since communism swept through Russia.

AirPods are hot for now, but trust me, something will come through and wipe out their fame. Something that is far more intricate and interesting.

Sorry, that egg is cracking.