In just one month, 2021 is already off to a rough start

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Illustration by Lily Hansen

It’s only January, but 2021 is already going off the rails.

Wyatt Golla, Staff Writer

Just when we thought that we were done with the 365-day long nightmare called 2020, 2021 comes round the corner and says, “Hold my age-appropriate beverage.”

We acted so high and mighty near the end of last year, with all the ecstatic cheers of “Goodbye 2020!” We were so confident that things were about to turn around. Soon we would have a brand new president, new balance of power in Congress, and we thought that we might be nearing the closing act of this pandemic.

But we made the mistake of thinking, no, praying that things can’t possibly get worse. Turns out, they can.

Just a few days into 2021, staunch GOP followers, or as I call them GOPeople, claimed that both the presidential and senatorial elections were illegitimate. I wonder if somebody will sell trading cards about all the conspiracy theories that were made during this time. I can imagine two guys chatting as they exchange a rigged voting machine card for a Bill Clinton lizard man.

If those don’t take off after the year we just had, I will have to take matters into my own hands and make them myself. I can see the dollar signs already. 

Speaking of chasing wild conspiracy theories, our former president made that his final hobby as president. His favorites included the dead people voting, Dominion Voting machines, certain people not being able to vote, and absentee ballots being thrown away. These theories led to outrage, which is definitely nothing new to politics, but what happened next was absolutely unprecedented.

Just six days into the year, a large group of protestors was at the doors of the Capitol, demanding an overturn of the election. A section of these people was able to gain access to the Capitol building, and then things really went over the cliff. People were shot, chaos was rampant, and a certain Florida man yoinked the Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s lectern. There was a rumor going around that he even put it up for sale on eBay.

Think about that for a second, it took less than a week for all of this to go down. 2021 was three days away from winning the award for “Fastest year to go to crap.” Obviously, lots of people took notice of this, people like the FBI who proceeded to go all T-1000 on the trespassers. If only they had worn masks to conceal their identity and slow the spread of the virus at the same time, instead of posting selfies on Instagram.

Tech companies thought this was the last straw and finally put Donald Trump on mute. These companies include but are not limited to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. Unfortunately, Trump being muted gave him just a bit of attention, and made us think “What is he up to now?” and “Who is he going to pardon now?” instead of moving on with our lives.

But most importantly, what’s going to happen to the MyPillow man who reportedly brought up several conspiracy theories about the election. He too was banned from Twitter after spreading disinformation about the Capitol riot as well. Who else could fill the pillow sized hole in Bed Bath and Beyond? 

With everything that our now former president did in the past four years, several senators and representatives wanted Trump to never be able to hold a seat of power ever again. With that, the House voted that it was high time for Trump Impeachment 2: Incitement Boogaloo. With just a few days left in his presidency, they decided that they really did not want to see the soon to be former president again. 

After one crazy year, America needed a bit of a reset. While it wouldn’t fix everything, a new president would certainly help. The inauguration was the time for Biden and his pals to show that they meant business. And how did they do this? In the most American way possible, with patriotism, pomp, and circumstance.

There were fireworks, concerts, a happy Dr. Fauci, and memes. Nothing says “new year, new me” more than memes. With gems such as Bernie Sanders’ adorable mittens, and the lectern disinfector. 

At this point, we are all pretty desensitized to every major incident from now on. Next year some sort of major calamity is going to occur and everybody will just say “meh”. And after last year, I don’t blame us. 

What is important here is that we have made it through worse, and things are finally looking up for once. But hey, Trump didn’t pardon Joe Exotic, so maybe 2021 is actually the year of the tiger after all.