Cal screams for ice cream

School budgets $10,000 for sweet treats


Ari Harvey

We all agree, $10,000 worth of ice cream equates to a monstrous pile of delicious goodness.

We’ve all been fooled. 

There was a great revelation hidden right under our noses, and I’m one of the few people both bold and dumb enough to talk about it. 

For you see, the discovery of this information left me absolutely distraught, confused, yet simultaneously full of hope. 

What is this discovery, you may ask? 

Well, it lies within the seemingly mundane details of the School Site Council budget, where the council decides how to spend its discretionary money. It could be on anything like new portables, turf, or some other expense. But, hidden within the margins was a simple little factoid.

In the meeting minutes for the Site Council, a large sum of $10,000 is committed to something called “Ice Cream Fridays”. A whole 10k given to ice cream of all things. I know, I know, it’s a lot to process. As I said before, the discovery absolutely floored me when I first learned about it. 

First, $10,000 is a lot of money. Think about the things you could buy with that kind of money. That also means there’s going to be a lot of ice cream for $10,000. But how much ice cream exactly?

That’s where I come in. You see, I have a very particular set of skills. Skills that make me adept in ice cream related research. I was also one of the only people to volunteer my life for this harrowing, possibly life threatening mission of dessert analysis. While it may have been a task of Herculean magnitude, I needed to stride forward, in the name of investigative journalism.

After hours of scrutiny, labor, and taste testing I was left utterly depleted, but at last I had my data. Rubbing my two remaining brain cells together I attempted to do some basic math. 

It turns out that with $10,000 you can buy about 1,536 gallons of ice cream. I may be the village idiot, but I think that’s a lot of ice cream. If I didn’t an amount of ice cream that may or may not be equal to 1,536 gallons during my research, my mouth would be watering. 

But we can delve deeper into this data. 

Horrifyingly, 1,536 gallons of ice cream contains about 1,105,920 grams of sugar. To put that into perspective, that would be about 2,204 pounds of sugar. The sugar alone from the $10,000 of ice cream would weigh more than a ton! 

Oddly enough, this left me with the question ‘how much sugar is a lethal dose?’, so I turned to my eternal resource for odd questions and cramming, Google. Apparently, not many people have considered my enlightened query, and I think typing that question into the search bar has put me on an FBI watchlist.

But, with these answers, I am left with more questions. As you are almost certainly aware, we students have not received $10,000’s worth of ice cream. 

So, with the absolutely gargantuan amount of ice cream, it begs the question of where on campus would somebody hide 1,536 gallons of ice cream? I think I have a few ideas.

My first idea as to where somebody would discreetly hide $10,000 worth of ice cream would be in the dumpsters. Think about it, they are big enough to hold that much ice cream, and no student would ever go near them. But that’s too obvious, and I’ve already checked the dumpsters for ice cream, and there was none.

How about somewhere that nobody would dare look, a place where only the bravest of souls dare go? The boys bathroom on the 3rd floor. Maybe whenever the bathrooms are out of order, it’s actually an excuse to hide ice cream inside them. No, the bathrooms wouldn’t be able to store all that ice cream.

I suppose then, that it must remain a mystery. Until this ice cream cache is found or revealed to the general public, we may never know. Then again, after reading this, perhaps somebody else will go searching for this treasure, the El Dorado of Cal High. 

If that does happen, I wish them luck. 

But I won’t be able to help. I’ll be too busy stuffing my face with other ice cream to aid in the search.