Florida Man trilogy is now complete

Miami menace is back to his asinine antics


Pavani Balaji

Florida Man and his accomplice baby aligator return for the third entry of staff writer Wyatt Golla’s epic saga.

Harken back with me, to the great trilogies of old. “The Godfather”, “The Lord of The Rings”, “Star Wars” (all three of them), “The Dark Knight”, “Indiana Jones” and many more.

What do these great trilogies have in common? An enticing plot? Good drama and skilled actors? Jaw dropping action? 

No, I posit that all of the great trilogies that we are familiar with all have a distinct amount of chaotic energy that makes them so enjoyable.

But a new trilogy is to be added to the list that may just top all the others with how much chaos is rooted in the location alone: The Florida Man Trilogy.

Who could possibly have the gall to write such an ambitious story? Who could possess the lack of brain matter required to even come up with the idea?

Well, maybe, just maybe the man who wrote the previous two entries in the trilogy could manage such a thing. I hear he is quite handsome, and his schedule is wide open.

To be fair, Florida contains more mayhem than any other state in the US. Scientists are still unsure as to why this is, but my running theory is that humans offered Florida to the lizard people running the world in exchange for our freedom and world domination. 

Lizard people or not, Florida Man has not let up on his antics during 2022. This year, one audacious Florida Man “called police to test the authenticity of his methamphetamine”. I understand the desire for a second opinion about such a matter, but maybe ask your friend for peer review next time.

One highlight I found was “Florida Man pleads guilty to illegal sale of monkey to ‘celebrity client;”. See, I don’t condone using illegal means to acquire a monkey, but if anyone knows a legal avenue for acquiring one, tell me. Asking for a friend, of course. 

Another gem I saw was the story of a Florida Man pulled over during a routine traffic stop. In his pickup truck they found what one would usually find in a car: weapons, narcotics and, of course, a baby alligator. What else could somebody expect?

What about one bold Florida Man who was “accused of impersonating a police officer to get a discount at Wendy’s” Of all things somebody could do with the power vested in a police officer uniform, all this man might have wanted was a few dollars off his burger and frosty. My man could have gotten a discount on nearly anything if he tried hard enough, boba, movies, a car wash, and yet he chose Wendy’s.

Surprisingly, the number of Florida Men accused or arrested for smuggling animals just this month is more than one. As one particular Florida Man was accused of “stealing 18 turtles worth $30,000.” 

Lastly, have you ever had that one movie that you just have to watch over and over again? Well one Florida Man certainly did, as he chose to watch “Spiderman: No Way Home” a whopping 292 times. That’s a nice total of 720 hours, or an astounding 30 days.

I can’t help but wonder what the cinema worker´s reaction was to him walking into the theater more than 290 times. Do you think he got free popcorn?

So, as is often the case, Florida Man has not slowed down with his usual misadventures this year. In fact, they may have increased in their weirdness and fervor lately. Whether this is due to the pandemic, the lizard people hiding among our population, or some other factor entirely, I’m not sure. 

But I do know one thing. Florida Man shows no signs of stopping with his antics anytime soon. Which is great for everyone who isn’t living in Florida, as we are hopefully safe from any havoc the fabled Florida Man might bring. 

It’s great for me, as well. If more of these stories keep coming I might be looking forward to “Florida Man: The Spinoff Series” for my next story.