Senior Worsts


Photo by Abby Fritz

Walker Gaub shows off his unruly tendrils which bear a striking resemblance to washed up seaweed on the beach.

As senior year comes to a close, it is important to look back fondly at the unique and beloved students in our class who we will cherish for years to come.

But it is of equal importance to reminisce over the not so great standouts amongst our class.

So without further ado, I present (the entirely comical and not at all serious) California High School Senior Worsts.

Worst hair: Walker Gaub. Picture a bowl of two week old ramen. Then mix in the contents of a vacuum bag, a waffle-house sink, and add a painfully endless collection of camo hats. Take that nauseating mixture and place it on someone’s head, and you just might be looking at Walker Gaub.

Worst Sanpchat: Karina Straub. Oh Karina, what are you really doing? I’m guessing it’s less about getting the perfect shot in the bathroom for your Snapchat story and more about masking your deep-seated insecurities with those sweet scented plumes of disappointment.

Worst dressed: Connor Keowen. Honestly there’s not too much wrong with Connor’s standard garb of shorts (or jeans if it’s a bit nippy), a grey T-shirt, and a flannel. What lands him this title is more connected to the fact that he wears this “outfit” every freaking day. And when he throws in a scarf or some dad sneakers. It’s like he’s trying way too hard to be Mr. King.

Worst driver: Tony Ernst. There’s one hazard in the parking lot far more dangerous than the ever multiplying speed bumps. Ernst is a maniac at the wheel, screeching and jerking about, causing far too many almost-accidents.

It’s not every day that someone crashes into a garage door. Though Ernst is a nice guy, when you see the gaping hole in his 1997 Accord, it can only mean trouble.

Least likely to succeed: Dhuvarakesh Karthikeyan. This guy just keeps messing up. First winning a measly $10,000 at the Intel ISEF in 2014. Then leading the Cal High mock trial team in numerous victories over the years. And now being admitted to UC Berkeley.

Dhuvi’s life has been a series of disappointments, one after another, and this foreshadows his inevitable failure in adulthood. Get your life together man.

Worst Twitter beef: Amanda Agustin. I almost didn’t write this out of fear of a public roasting by the woman herself. Agustin has struck terror in the hearts of social media users far and wide. Her less than subtle approach toward opinions she finds offensive leaves her conservative challengers trembling and traumatized.

Worst guy: Jake Garrigan. This title is given (somewhat) endearingly to Gerrigan as he scampers about campus engaging in shenanigans. He’s a sweet enough guy who’s heart is in the right place, but just when you’re about to decide you like him, he does something uniquely Jake-y and you’re back at square one.

Despite the obnoxious yelling, there’ll always be a special place in Cal High’s heart for our beloved, worst guy.

Worst newspaper staff writer: Saif Khan. “You missed the deadline again, Saif.” “Stop watching R. Kelly videos on the computers.” “No you can’t do another story on pot.” These and several more never-ending attacks make it pretty obvious to me that I deserve this spot on the list.

But in all honesty, despite my bitter contempt for high school and high schoolers and people and the world in general, I have to say that my time at Cal has played a key role in making me who I am today.