The wheel. Who needs it? Sliced bread. Who cares? 

None of these inventions hold a candle to the glorious fidget spinner.

Surely the greatest invention of the 21st century, this small plastic toy has captivated the minds of the easily-impressed in recent months. 

But just when we thought there was no way of improving such a masterpiece, a huge discovery was made.

The world was sent into a tailspin when it was revealed that fidget spinners had evolved. No longer were they simply a piece of spinning plastic, but something much more. 

The newest generation of fidget spinners are miraculous, perhaps even life changing! 

At long last, spinners finally offer bluetooth speakers. 

As if they weren’t edgy enough, the youth now has the capability of playing the newest Lil Pump banger straight from their spinner. 

With this additional feature, bluetooth fidget spinners are undoubtedly going to be the hottest item of the season, let alone the year.  

In some cases, the new upgrade really did bring the heat as two separate incidents in Michigan and Alabama found that these bluetooth spinners burst into flames while they were charging.

The two mothers of the children who experienced this catastrophe said they were quite shocked to find their kitchen counters set ablaze.

The source of the fire was discovered to be an overloaded battery found inside the spinner.

The mother from Alabama, Kimberly Allums, expressed her concern and distress about this event.  

“It wasn’t smoking, it was in flames,” Allums was quoted saying in The Verge. 

This was obviously user error of course. 

These spinners are crafted from the finest technology $10 can buy and masterfully assembled in a smog filled factory in a far away land.

It would be inconceivable for a device of this caliber to malfunction all on its own.

Silly Alabamians. 

Now, some of you readers probably aren’t fully convinced of the greatness of the bluetooth fidget spinner. 

In fact, you probably think this article is crazy.

But know that this is not just a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Actually, the world has embraced this idea.

Listen to what the hordes of devoted fidget fanatics have to say on Cal’s campus.

“They’re cool,” junior Aanchal Singh enthusiastically said.

 “I used to have two but I donated them,” said legendary  staff member Torrey. “They’re just a fad.”

It can clearly be seen there is an undying love for these miraculous toys even on campus.

As for the future of the fidget spinner, no one could possibly predict what will happen next. 

For now, keep your eye on the globe, the second most important spinning object in the history of mankind.