The Californian

Legendary Bob Spain leaves Cal High

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Legendary Bob Spain leaves Cal High

Rebecca Newman

Rebecca Newman

Rebecca Newman

Josh Nichols and Conan Maron, Staff Writers

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Damn, we really don’t appreciate someone until he’s gone. 

In Cal’s storied history, we’ve never had an administrator transcend all space and time as Bob Spain. 

Never have we had a man project his beautiful, gruff voice in a microphone to us during fire drills initiated by “punk members of 2020”. 

Never have we seen the literal reincarnation of God until we saw the mighty Spain for the first time when we walked onto campus freshman year. 

But all good things must come to an end. Spain has left us, departed to Dougherty Valley in administrative musical chairs.

But what did Spain bring to Cal? While many students knew Spain as the one who walked around campus, catching unruly vaping students and breaking up extremely underwhelming fights, Spain has brought much more to Cal. 

For example,Spain brought his wonderful chaperoning skills to this year’s homecoing dance. Like God on the first day, Spain said, “Let there be light,” as he overruled the will of students to add drama to a rather uneventful homecoming dance. 

He kept the lights on in order to better the well-being of his students. “Meh safety” was the reasoning for this and for meh safety indeed. Or maybe Spain just wanted to keep those weird moth memes alive. 

But after a student was injured thanks to the influence of Dougherty’s mosh culture, Spain made sure that something like that wouldn’t happen ever again. That is what Spain brought to Cal. 

But wait. There is more. 

Over the past few years, Cal has been ravaged by a terrible plague. Nicotine. A bomb of addiction, sending shockwaves through the school, has overcome Cal student body, and nothing has been able to stop it. 

But Spain won’t have it. This is his school and he won’t let it be held hostage by a substance named C10H14N2.

“I can absolutely hate the vape companies and crusade against them and what they are doing to kids” Spain said.

This is just  who needed to fight the evil tocacco companies Like a stormtrooper invading Hoth, Spain has stormed Cal’s campus in his one-man war to end the trends of Juuling and to eradicate nicotine addiction from Cal High forever. 

He has shown no remorse as those silly flavors like “wedding cake” and “fruit punch, 

He burns such flavors at the stake so they will never be seen again. In his efforts, he has valiantly ravaged through Cal showing no mercy and taking all prisoners. His confiscated nicotine device collection would make even the mighty Thanos proud. 

“Kids actually worry about Mr. Spain walking in and catching them. He’s like a legendary narc,” sophomore John Doe said. 

Vaping is now a dangerous game. Everytime students congregate inside an “unnamed” bathroom for their daily nicotine sermons, they basically roll a dice and pray they don’t get the unlucky number of Spain suddenly raiding the bathroom and sending every kid inside to the cold confines of  Kelly McCoy’s classroom for Monday school.  

So what kind of impact has Spain had on the student body? We decided to go in the bathrooms personally and see what these kids had to say. 

“I’m happy that he’s leaving. Now I might be able to hit my dab in peace!” an anonymous sophomore boy said.

But even with Spain’s departure, are the bathrooms really safe now? 

“Yah, except for Tori, Tori’s our only threat,” nicotine user number 5,437 said.

Spain might have left, but his disciples are eager to finish what he started. Please roll the dice and pray it’s not Tim or Tori. 

But for now, students can breathe in peace. The bathrooms are safe for now. Spain won’t haunt us anymore. He’ll just catch some kid from the other school… Oh my God, we need to warn our Dougherty brothers and sisters about what is about to descend upon them. Their secret  vape safe zones will be discovered. I’m sorry, but avoid the bathrooms at all costs. Nowhere is safe. Run for your lives! Get out while you can! 

“I will use my superpower of supervision to find the students involved in the malfeasance,” Spain said from his new Dougherty digs.

For all you non  AP  English nerds, malfeasance means wrongdoing. You’re welcome. 

Our Dougherty bretheren are kind of screwed. Like Sauron in the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, Spain’s eye is all seeing. So let us join in a prayer for the other school. Press F to pay respects. 

We have constant debates about who is the G.O.A.T. Michael Jordan or Lebron James? Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady? 

But isn’t it obvious? That honor has clearly gone to Bob Spain. 

Like a cowboy riding off into the sunset, the G.O.A.T left us in his dust and headed to greener and newer pastures to unleash his Godly presence at Dougherty Valley. But we will fondly remember everything he has done on campus. 

But wait! Spain does have a final message for all you folks here. 

“I truly enjoyed my time at Cal,” Spain said. “I enjoyed all the people I worked with, the students were fantastic, even the ones who frequented my office routinely. I will miss the place dearly.”

Damn, we actually have tears in our eyes. It’s not often we feel this sentimental, but we wll miss you Spain and everything you have done for this school.

And we mean everything, from standing on the bleachers and screaming at the entire school to stop pulling the fire alarms to the time you drove up beside me in the parking lot on that magnificent golf cart and threatened me with Monday school for leaving class to grab a textbook from my car. 

We will always remember your legacy as we bow our heads in respect. (And 73 percent of the student body cheers inside.)

 

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Legendary Bob Spain leaves Cal High