Florida Man Season 1 finale is here

The thrilling conclusion of a saga four years in the making


Illustration by Arfa Saad

THE Florida Man returns in his last installment of the four-part series wielding a stapler.

Every story needs a good conclusion, a last little send-off as it reaches the end.
Some of the most renowned media is known for their spectacular endings: “The Sixth Sense”, “Titanic, “The Return of the King”. And the list goes on.
The thrilling tale of the fabled Florida Man is no exception in this rule.
It’s been years since I started chronicling the exploits of the ever enigmatic Florida Man so students can learn the astonishing things people are up to down in the sunshine state. I understand the great task that I’ve been given to wrap up the Florida Man series is not easy, but please hold your applause until you’ve finished reading.
Even after writing three stories about our favorite noble, national ne’er do wells, it still amazes me how much chaos and unorthodox feats can occur in a singular state. The constant flow of hilarious deeds and dilemmas alike keeps onlookers like you and I entertained.
Believe me, it gets wild. Because of that, I can confidently say that the most recent selection of Florida Man excerpts and headlines are truly sights to behold.
For instance, late last year, one Florida Man was charged for “throwing a hot dog at a police officer”. Now, if I had to choose a method of defense, projectile hot dogs would not be my first choice. Apparently, the Florida Man in question was being told to stop selling hot dogs after his permit to sell them as a street vendor ended, so I suppose that was all he had on hand.
Another slightly more violent tale comes to us in the form of a Florida Man who saw fit to “throw a Christmas Tree at his spouse after she asked him to help make dinner”. Now that’s one heck of an overreaction.
A lot of unorthodox throwing weapons are being used in these headlines, but to be fair if any state would be known for unconventional weapons, it would be Florida.
On the topic of Florida Man’s unorthodox feats, one man sought to bend the fabric of reality itself after he was “arrested for crashing his car into a mall claiming he was attempting to time travel”.
Now, I can only assume this brave Florida Man saw “Back to the Future” a few to many times and tried to make his own Delorean time machine. Though, I don’t remember Doc and Marty careening into a mall in the original film.
Even so, there is something more chaotic than one Florida Man. It’s Florida Men. What do you even call a group of Florida Men? An amazement? A catastrophe? What about an entertainment of Florida Men? I’m getting off track.
Any who, two Florida Men in particular decided to end their criminal road trip on a high note after they were “caught with gopher tortoise during gasoline theft spree”. While I don’t know what series of events lead to somebody acquiring a gopher tortoise, I really want to know. Not that I would do anything criminal in order to get one, of course not. No way. Never.
But if anybody has any suggestions I would be willing to see what my options are here.
These two Florida Men weren’t nearly as intuitive as another man who “attempted to rob a Publix with a stapler,” police say. I’m not even sure where to start with this one. I guess out of any stationery he could have chosen, he used the most threatening piece of hardware, so props for that.
I guess it could have been worse. He could’ve been wielding Scotch tape.
But not all of these anecdotes are violent. A certain Florida Man claims that his “annoyed neighbors are just ‘jealous’ of his friendship with iguanas”. Honestly, if my neighbor had a bunch of iguanas as friends, I would absolutely be jealous too. They’re like cats, just green and coldblooded.
Of course, there’s always a select few Floridians who deserve their own Darwin Award. My favorite is a man who “broke into a gas station to steal items but was later identified because he left behind his debit card”. Why not leave your driver’s license instead? That way the cops will have a photo to identify you. Better yet, just call them.
With all these headlines and stories, one has to wonder, is Florida Man ever going to stop? Well, after writing four iterations of the Florida Man saga I can confidently say that no, there is no stopping him. No hurricane, pandemic or injury could possibly slow Florida Man.
As much as I would love to call this the grand finale of the Florida Man saga, part of me thinks otherwise. Who knows, maybe this is just the end of Florida Man Season 1.
Believe me, there is no shortage of antics if there ever is another article.