The new White House before and after pictures are more terrifying than JoJo Siwa’s “Karma” music video and villain story combined.
President Donald Trump is embarking on more than some minor redecorating of the White House. He recently had the entire East Wing demolished in order to construct an extravagant, 90,000-square-foot, gold-accented ballroom, because apparently Versailles needed a sequel.
The cost? A humble $300 million, which isn’t a big deal given the funding is being provided by those “private donations.” Translation: rich people trying to get their names on a chandelier. This has left many Americans wondering. What else could wealthy donors be funding for the president?
With $300 million, Trump could buy about 125 million cheeseburgers from McDonald’s and feed the entire country of Japan with leftovers to spare. He could maybe toss in a few Big Macs for Congress while he’s at it. Hopefully, the ice cream machines aren’t broken this time around.
Trump could work another drive-thru shift to assist with this public service, since he hasn’t done much other work to benefit others throughout his career. (Yes, this includes his whopping nine failed businesses). I wish I had that much time to waste.
He could also buy more than half a million commercial spray tan machines and a small plot of land to install them on.
I’m sure Trump would enjoy that more than a ballroom, and it would be easier for him to maintain his trademark “slay-all-day” cheeto glow.
Cal High students have lots of other ideas about how they would use the money if they had it. Maybe Trump can take some notes?
“I would buy millions of Lactaid, since I’m lactose intolerant,” freshman Yasmine Vanniasinkham said.
Too bad the Canadians might not ship it, thanks to Trump’s sky-high tariffs that already soured our dairy relations. At this rate, lactose-intolerant Americans might have to choose between patriotism and pizza.
All in all, it must be a lack of creativity on Trump’s end, as literal high schoolers (and, of course, teachers) have better ideas than he does. (Trump, you better be listening).
“I guess, you know, a ballroom seems kind of 16th century,” ethnic studies teacher Justin Hughes said. “I haven’t seen a ballroom in use except for ‘Dancing with the Stars,’ so I think a nightclub would be more modern.”
Party in the USA, anyone?
Students also argue that Trump should create something that would actually come in handy. Blasphemy!
Freshman Phoenix Weston said she would have built something that would be of use to herself, like a White House grocery store. But billionaires might not fund it as it could be practical in some way.
“Build a freaking school at this point,” Weston said. “Build a grocery store, something that there’s an actual need for.”
It seems most people are confused about the creation of a ballroom instead of the many other things Trump could have chosen to construct.
Senior Emma Osnovikov said she didn’t know much about the ballroom, but once she learned the East Wing was destroyed, she offered a better suggestion.
“If you wanted a ballroom, you could have built an extension to the White House,” Osnovikov said.
That is definitely one of the confusing aspects of the construction.
“If I had $300 million, I would probably donate most of it to charity and save some for college, and maybe buy some Robux, too,” freshman Livi Mostitsky said.
Trump could take inspiration from Mostitsky and even spend the money on extracurricular activities, such as developing a Grow A Garden. With $300 million, he is sure to have the biggest, “beautifulest” garden out of them all.
“I’d throw a big party and invite everyone I like, and all my friends and all my family and just have a good time,” Osnovikov said. “ And I would make my own mini ballroom to throw it in, but I wouldn’t tear anything down.”
Osnovikov added that the party would need entertainment, such as singers like Glorilla, Megan Thee Stallion, and of course, Beyoncé.
“And I would still have money leftover to give to people in need,” she said. “I would give it to my community and help out our school, and people who need money or food and stuff like that.”
Another point of view would be to use the money to spite Trump’s use of it.
“I would buy two ballrooms,” freshman Jackson Childress said. “It’s kind of a jerk move, and it’s very prideful of him, to just spend the money on a ballroom when you could do so much more with that. Seems a little rude.”
Senior Jarod Tang expresses his philosophy about what he would do with the money.
“I would hook my friends up with a bunch of dumb stuff, and maybe get one or two people set up for life, but keep it on the down low,” Tang said. “You could buy like 50 houses in the Bay Area. That’s kind of a lot.”
The common theme seems that people would use the money to benefit others, unlike what Trump is aiming to do with the construction of the ballroom, which came out of the blue.
Americans would collectively enjoy other luxuries better than a ballroom. They would probably enjoy it more if we moved our interior design forward from medieval times, but with the direction Trump is going, let’s make America waltz again?
