Assassins returns to Cal with a pop

Tyler Hollander
Staff Writer

Lock your doors. Patrol your house. Watch your back. And above all else, wear a turtleneck, because your classmates are coming for your neck. Assassins is back.

For the past month, hundreds of seniors go to obsessive extremes to get their targets out in the annual game of Assassins.

From waking up at ungodly hours to stalking a target’s every movement, people will do virtually anything to kill their targets.

Through hours of ninja-like undercover work, I have unearthed stories of hilarity and extravagant dedication to the art of Assassins.

Whether it is being carelessly shot or conducting long stakeouts, the stories of these assassins will be told for centuries to come as invaluable lessons for future generations of assassins.

Assassins lives in the heart of every senior, and these stories will shed light to the life of the average senior.

Young guns should start taking notes.

Class is in session.

Taylor Duffy

Hard working senior, Taylor Duffy has found a way to balance the rigors of work and being a deadly killer. It makes it extremely easy to kill when your target works with you.
Duffy was ecstatic to learn that one of her targets worked with her.

“I went and looked at the schedule and found out when he worked,” said Duffy, “One day me and my friends went to work when he was getting off and made a stakeout.”

When her target walked out he had a gun in hand, and a fire fight took place that would make James Bond proud.

Duffy wasn’t to be denied.

She shot her target in the leg before he could get away, thus helping her advance to the next round.

“I felt bad after, so I gave him a ride home,” said Duffy.

Never before has there been a silent ride home like that one.

Shannon Villanueva

Senior Shannon Villanueva and her partner were lucky just to advance to the second round of assassins.

But a lapse in Shannon’s judgement almost did them in.

It all started one morning when Villanueva got a call from her neighbor, who informed her that two boys were outside her house in a white car.

“I went outside to go and mock them and pretended to shoot them with my gun,” said Villanueva.

But she could not see who was in the car, and her curiosity was piqued.

She went to her neighbor’s backyard only to find that her assassins were gone.

She thought she was safe when she walked around to her house again.

She was dead wrong.

As she got to the front door of her house, her assassins sprung the ambush they had set. They shot her in cold blood.

This lapse of judgment almost cost her the right to move to the next round, but her partner was able to assassinate both of their targets and stayed alive long enough to revive Villanueva.

We shall see if they continue to survive.

Joe Cristiano

Senior Joe Cristiano exemplifies a beacon of awesomeness, as he has killed his targets with enough grace and ease to make a figure skater envious.
But he knows that his assassinations are anything but easy.

“Assassins isn’t just a game, it’s a lifestyle,” said Cristiano.

An example of this lifestyle is when he followed a kill all the way to the mall and staked out the target for two hours.

“When you assassinate people, you can’t just go in guns blazing,” said Cristiano. “You have to carefully plan your kill and be like a lion waiting to pounce.”

Cristiano’s stakeout paid off as he finally killed his target in the parking garage at the mall.

Jake Martin

Senior Jake Martin is one of the all powerful Godfathers who helped set up the Assassins game. Many people thought that he was invincible.

But his stomach proved otherwise.

It was a peaceful day when Martin was coming back from his youth group. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Martin was craving a burger, so he made a decision that led to his doom.

He walked to In-N-Out.

“I thought I was safe because no one would want to come all the way out to Dublin to assassinate me,” said Martin.

Martin got shot on his burger run, and his partner was shot soon after, putting them out of the game.

In the game of Assassins you cannot trust anyone,not even your stomach.