Even 2020 cannot stop Florida man’s antics

He has spent the craziest year transcending time and space itself, ascending to new heights of ridiculousness

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Rebecca Newman

Even in the midst of pandemic chaos, Florida men across the state have still found ways to keep the crazy energy going.

Wyatt Golla, Staff Writer

There are three inevitabilities in life: Death, taxes, and Florida man. 

Praise be to Florida man. Granted, 2020 has been a rough year, that’s for sure. Murder hornets, fire, plague, and a severe shortage of Charmin Ultra Soft. 

One would think that during these trying times Florida man sightings would be at an all time low. Given how crazy 2020 has been there’s enough crazy to go around, so Florida man isn’t really needed. But by the whiskers of Gardner Minshew’s mustache, the Florida man keeps on Florida-ing. 

It’s like 2020 has supercharged the men of Florida and they have only increased in ferociousness and strength. Such as a Florida man who “Traveled to Louisiana to Headbang to Slayer Music During Hurricane Laura”. If that isn’t the definition of powerful, I don’t know what is.

Florida man isn’t just native to the swamps and suburbs. He has also gone political. One Florida politician, Governor Ron DeSantis, is of note. A bill was drafted by DeSantis and his allies in the state legislature that, if it were to pass, would expand Florida’s wacky “stand your ground laws” and might allow citizens to shoot suspected looters and protesters with little to no repercussions.

Nothing says “Florida” more than shooting people. That and alligators being flung through drive through windows.

Speaking of politics, one Florida man, upset by his neighbors political beliefs, decided to take matters into his own hands. Most people just agree to disagree when discussing politics, but this man had a slightly different approach. He somehow got ahold of a bulldozer and destroyed every Biden 2020 sign he saw before police were able to apprehend him.

Have you ever had such a strong craving for a certain food or drink that you would go to any length to get it? Well, one Florida man certainly did. He wanted Dr. Pepper so badly that he rammed his car into a shop just to get his hands on some. 

We’ve all heard of people hoarding toilet paper during the pandemic, but leave it to a Florida man to one up all the hoarders when he “attempted to steal 66 rolls of toilet paper from the hotel he was staying at.”

The Florida man isn’t just known for causing destruction, but for his unparalleled  bravery in some situations. Like when an alligator tried to eat his dog, so he beat the absolute crap out of it. 

We can’t discount the antics of Florida women during 2020 though, as one called 911 in order to find out how to get a divorce. 

Even the plague doesn’t stop the Florida man, it only amplifies his power.  Such as one Florida man who was alleged to have spent his business’ COVID-19 relief money on a new Lamborghini.

One might wonder why there are so many insane Florida man stories in 2020, and why some of the weirdest stories are during this year. There is an easy answer for that. It’s the fact that 2020 is the year of the Florida man. 

The Florida man’s year has been happening right under our noses and we never even realized it. It’s only fitting some of the craziest Florida man sightings would occur in one of the craziest years to date. 

So take some time today to thank the Florida man for adding to the insanity of 2020 and always being there for us.  For he is the hero we needed in this cursed year.